It makes us feel happy and giddy when we think about finding that special someone, falling in love, and knowing that we want to spend eternity with them. We feel hopeful. We view this through rose-colored glasses and want to get our happy-ever-afters with the person who holds our hearts.
Nobody ever wants to end up marrying the wrong person. Yet somehow, so many say ‘I do’ to someone who is not right for them after all. We rarely want to dwell on it, but one of the possible outcomes of marriage is, sadly, divorce. Unfortunately, divorce is a genuine part of so many unions.
Here’s a hard fact: Divorce is very, very common. It is costly, and it is emotionally draining. Even for those who do not believe in divorce, miserable marriages abound. Life happens, of course, and we are only human, so we all have our faults. But what we can do is ensure that our union is as strong as possible and can withstand the ups and downs of married life.
Here’s the thing: When it comes to marriage, the truth is that what you don’t know can hurt you in a very real way. So an excellent way to ensure that you are right for each other and ready to spend forever with each other is to ask some tough yet essential questions. How you and your partner answer these queries will tell you what you need to know.
The reality is that if you do not deal with an issue c, you will be dealing with it within your marriage. And sometimes, that’s when you realize that you can’t resolve it. You can save yourself and your partner the potential heartbreak by facing these head-ones with some big questions to ask before marriage — and hopefully, work through them together.
A Few Tips
Marriage can be an awesome event in a person’s life, and some truly happy marriages do abound. You and your significant other can also be on the road to a very happy ever after — and these questions to ask before marriage can help get you on the right path!
Tip #1: If Your Partner’s Answer Raises Any Red Flags For You, do Not Brush it off.
Should you feel uncomfortable or unsettled – or even triggered – by what your partner had to say, try to process why you felt that way. After you have gained some clarity, open the subject again and try to talk more about it. This way, you can see how you both can best move forward.
Tip #2: If Possible, Have These Conversations Very Early on.
Experts advise couples to have these difficult talks even before they get to the point of getting engaged. They encourage couples to have these significant conversations earlier on. As they say, it can be much harder to walk away when you are already planning your wedding, and all those feelings of excitement have kicked in.
Tip #3: Make it a Safe Space For Both of You.
Come into these conversations prepared, and make sure that you make each other feel that you can be sincere. You will get more honest and authentic answers by making each other feel safe. Hence, that’s the key to navigating through all of these discussions successfully and working through any issues that may come to the forefront.
Questions to Ask Before Marriage
Getting married is a big, life-changing step. It is a significant decision, and ideally, it is the one decision that will last. Happy ever after is, after all, the main goal. Help your relationship get on the right track and make sure you make the right choice with these 25 questions every couple needs to ask before marriage. Remember to dig deep within and come from a place of vulnerability and honesty. Communicate as well as you can with each other.
1. Do We Want Children? What if We Encounter Struggles Trying to Conceive?
It is vital – and we mean VITAL – to know that you are on the same page about children before you tie the knot. Only some people plan to start a family after marriage. Having a child is a life-changing decision. You must have this very important conversation before choosing to get married to avoid a disastrous outcome for your marriage.
A common mistake for a couple is to assume that both of you are on the same page regarding children. So not talking about it beforehand is much more common than you may think. And then, once you get past the initial discussion and find that you both want to have kids, the next important thing to talk about is what you will do if you struggle to conceive. Discuss the options and what you would both be open to doing. Opinions may change over time, but you must talk early about this, so you both know you will be facing this as a team.
2. How Do We Want to Raise Our Children? What Are Our Parenting Goals And Expectations?
If you are indeed hoping to have children, that’s great. Now comes the subsequent discussion: How do you want to raise them? What kind of parents do you plan to be? What expectations do you have? What are your no-nos and your goals? What is your ideal parenting situation – will both of you be working, or will you be taking some time off to care for your child while they are young?
It would also be good to talk about how you and your partner were raised and what you liked and disliked about it.
3. What Role Will Religion Have in Our Married Life?
Are you and your partner of different faiths? Do you have the same beliefs? Are any religious activities vital for you and your partner, and what will you incorporate into your life? If you have a child, will you raise them to be religious?
Religion is an important matter to talk about, especially if you and your partner have different beliefs.
4. How Will We Manage Our Finances?
Experts note that money is among the top reasons couples get divorced. So while it can be stressful and anxiety-inducing to have at it when it comes to personal finances, it is important to lay it all out on the table.
Will you merge your finances? Have joint accounts? How will you handle big financial moves and decisions? Are there any debts that need settling? Who will be the primary earner? Discuss your experiences and expectations regarding finances before you get married. Couples who are honest about their finances with each other will go on to have healthier unions.
5. How Will We Balance Our Professional And Domestic Responsibilities?
As grown-ups, we all have responsibilities – both in the home and in our careers. Even in our own lives, it is always a struggle to balance these responsibilities — but it is also crucial we do so to maintain our well-being.
This is even more true when we get married. Marriage is a merging of two lives, which also means merging two people’s responsibilities. So how will you do it? Will there be flexibility, or will there be rigid standards that you want to adhere to? You want to ensure that both of you understand how you will share housework, accommodate each other’s careers, and so on.
6. What is A “Perfect Marriage” For You?
Marriage is something both parties want. So, if you are thinking about taking the plunge, it’s safe to say you both have dreams or fantasies regarding the “perfect marriage.” So talk about it. Talking about this is essential because discussing these things will give you an idea of what is most valuable to each one when it comes to getting married and sharing a life together.
What does each of you look forward to in married life? What do you hope your union will be? Do you think anything about your relationship will change after getting married? What does being a good spouse mean to you? Talk it over.
7. Is Now The Right Time to Get Married?
This one can be a hot topic, especially if, prior to the proposal, you did not really talk about a relationship timeline with each other. But since you are engaged, now is the time to think about whether it is the right time for both of you to say ‘I do.’
Maybe you two have not been together for the ideal time you had hoped before getting hitched. Possibly either of you or both still have things you want to pursue in your career or personal life. There may be some issues in the relationship that you still need to address and resolve. You are planning to spend forever together, so it’s best not to rush it and ensure that when you do walk down that aisle, it is the optimal time for both of you in your relationship.
8. Where Do We See Our Lives Going As We Move Forward?
The wedding takes up one day. So you have to discuss what you envision for your lives. And then you two have the rest of your lives to plan and consider.
From career goals to parenthood timelines to where you want to reside and more, open up the discussion and talk to each other about what you want for your futures and how you can attain them together.
9. How Do We Handle Stress, Disappointment, Frustrations, And Change?
Life is full of ups and downs. It definitely will not always be smooth sailing. You’ll have disagreements, encounter stress and disappointments, and deal with change. This question will speak to each one’s ability to cope and self-soothe. Life happens, and we will either face it or handle it positively or negatively. So it is good to know how your significant partner deals when life hands them a curveball. It’s essential to see that you two will not let these things damage your relationship.
10. How Can We Help Each Other When We Are Stressed Or Overwhelmed?
Marriage is a partnership. It means you and your partner will not have to go through life alone. One of the best things you can do for each other is to learn what they need when they are down and to be able to provide that and help them through the tough times.
Each person is different. Some need space; some need reassurance; some need to vent and talk it out; some need guidance; some need someone who will listen. When stressed, we may need help to communicate properly when we need from our partners. So it’s good to know what to do from the get-go so that when the tough times come, you can be there for each other in the best way possible.
11. How Well Do We Currently Deal With Conflict, And How Should We Deal With It?
Romance is not always a bed of roses. When you get married, you won’t always be in that loved-up phase, and conflicts will arise. Even now that you are in a relationship, you’ve probably already had your fair share of disagreements. So how have you been handling them?
What are the patterns you have when there are conflicts that can be deemed problematic? What do you do right, and what problem areas do you need to work on? How do you want to be able to deal with conflict together? Directly ask each other these things so that you can work on conflict handling and resolution together. Openly talking about it can make all the difference and help keep your relationship thriving.
12. How Important Is Sex? What Are Our Expectations on Sex?
Sex is a big part of a union. It is, therefore, essential that you and your partner are on the same page regarding sex before you walk down that aisle and spend eternity together. Partners can have different ideas and views on sex within marriage, and all those expectations must be out there so you can talk about it.
How often does each one want to have sex? How can you ensure that your connection remains strong even as your sex life ebbs and flows? How will you cope during a lull in your sex life? How do you see your needs being met if your partner is not meeting them – through porn, masturbation, or an open marriage? What are your fantasies, and what desires and needs do you want each other to fulfill? How can you assure each other that your level of interest and attraction does not wane even through some dry spells? Be honest about intimacy — this is key to staying intimate in your relationship, not just physically but emotionally.
13. Are There Past Conflicts or Relationship Issues We Haven’t Let Go of?
Relationships are ever-evolving. You go through ups and downs and try to handle everything together. Addressing all the issues or fights you may have had always ideal, but the truth is that certain conflicts may still linger for a lot of people.
Talking about whatever emotional baggage you may still carry from unresolved conflicts is a big thing on your to-do list. Set aside the time to discuss these worries or baggage so that you can work through them finally in a healthy way. This is important so that you will feel secure in your relationship and eventually have tackled all those issues before getting hitched.
14. What Are Our Communication Styles?
Communication is one of the cornerstones of a healthy, lasting relationship. But have you ever really explored the communication styles you and your partner have? It can be challenging to know if there is healthy communication between the two of you if you have different styles of communicating.
We cannot communicate enough here just how important it is for you two to communicate about communicating. It sounds so meta, but it is true. Does one of you prefer to hash it out then and there? Does the other prefer to have some time to mull things over? Does one of you feel that writing is a more effective communication tool for them? The key to better and more effective communication is to simply, well, communicate.
15. What Are Your Relationship Deal-Breakers?
We all have deal-breakers. Everyone has a breaking point, a point of no return. Breaking points are especially true when it comes to relationships. And it is of utmost importance that you know what each other’s relationship deal-breakers are, respect them, and come to a good understanding about them.
Deal-breakers come in many forms. It may be over traditional things like wanting to have a child or keep working even after getting hitched or having a kid. It may be things like where you will live or the passion projects you wish to have the freedom to pursue. Or it may be things like infidelity or emotional cheating. Knowing each other’s non-negotiables will give you a look into your future together and if it works for you both — and maybe figure out how it will best work for both of you.
16. How Much Do We Value Time Together And Time Apart?
Getting married means being together forever — but how ‘together’ is together? One of you may expect you to do everything together as a unit moving forward. The other may still long for some ‘me’ time. Routines will change when you get married and know how each stands on time together. Time apart will help you establish new, healthy practices that will make both of you happy.
Ask each other also how much time alone each one needs. After all, some may need more time than others, which is normal. Understanding this will help you co-exist better with each other without any confusion or resentment.
17. How Will We Handle it if We Find Ourselves Drifting Apart?
While the ideal is to always be as couple-y as possible throughout your union, the reality is that kids, work, and just life in general will, at times, deter you from the “couple” part of your relationship. That’s normal, and it’s okay. What matters is that you can talk about what to do when this comes so that you can overcome it together.
Who will be more likely to raise the topic? In what ways do you see yourself being able to reconnect? These are things that you should discuss with each other before getting married. Doing this will ensure that your union will stay strong throughout.
18. How Do We Feel About Each Other’s Parents, And How Will We Deal With In-Laws?
Getting married means not just marrying each other but, in a way, marrying each other’s families as well. After all, uniting two lives also means connecting two families. So how do you feel about each other’s parents? Honestly?
In-laws can be a big point of contention for many couples. But remember that the important thing is to be completely honest about how you feel. And however you may feel about them, as long as you present a united front, you’ll be able to navigate these complicated relationships healthily. And this also applies to the rest of the extended family! Talk about it, set boundaries, and understand where each is coming from.
19. Is Our Parents’ Marriages Part Of Our Inspiration To Get Married?
A person’s approach to a relationship can be affected by the kind of relationship role models they had growing up. It is vital to know what type of relationship your partner’s parents have and for them to know the kind of relationship your parents have. Knowing this helps you to understand where each one is coming from.
Is your parents’ marriage a part of why you want to get married? What are the things you admire about their relationship? Or, on the flip side, what do you want to avoid? What have you learned from their mistakes? Discuss what a successful, loving, and healthy union looks like for each one of you.
20. When Do We Feel Most Loved By Each Other, And What Are Our Love Languages?
At the heart of it all, marriage is about love. Relationships are built on many things, but love is the key. It is valuable for you both to communicate when you feel most loved by each other. It can be the simplest things like “When you make me coffee in the morning,” “When you brush my hair back from my face,” or “When you give me a kiss on the forehead.”
Talking about this will also help you to identify each other’s love languages. It will also help you better identify expressions of affection from your partner and also help you better show your affection towards each other.
21. When Do We Feel Unsafe Speaking Out Or Sharing Our Feelings?
A healthy relationship is one where you both feel secure. You don’t feel alone. You aren’t afraid to express yourself and share what you are feeling. But we are all human, and there are times when we might not feel as safe as we should when sharing our emotions – and our partners may not even realize it.
Open up the conversation and speak honestly. This way, you can make your relationship a safe space for both of you.
22. Do Either Of Us Still Have Any Big Secrets We Have Yet To Share?
While we always aim to be honest in our relationships, there are some secrets you may still keep for many reasons. It’s up to you and your partner to talk about them, decide together if you should disclose these secrets, and make each other feel that your relationship is strong enough to withstand whatever bombshells there may still be.
It is always best to be your most authentic self and make each other feel accepted wholly, regardless of their past.
23. Are We Committed To Counseling, Should We Need It?
No matter how hard we try in our relationships and how much we commit to being the best partner we can be, sometimes we may still need outside help. But counseling is a tricky thing, and people view it differently. So it is best to talk about your views on it and if you are open to seeking help for your relationship if and when you need it.
Agree on a solid plan you can pursue if your relationship goes through some rocky times down the road.
24. What Do We Admire About Each Other, And What Are Our Pet Peeves About Each Other?
Yes, you love each other, and of course, that means loving everything about each other, both the good and the bad. There are things you truly admire about each other, and then there are things that can tick you off. It’s okay to admit this, and talking about these things is very healthy.
Also, how will you handle it if the pet peeves are a bit much and overshadow what you admire about the person? Marriage is a commitment; truthfully, you two will not always click with each other. Your union should be more profound than all of that.
25. Why Get Married And What Does Marriage Mean to Us?
Marriage may be a universal term, but that doesn’t mean that it means the same thing to everyone. In fact, people have different ideas about marriage, and it is important to talk about your views, your expectations, and what you want your union to be.
It’s also important to know just why you want to get married to each other. Why are you choosing to tie the knot? What does that mean to you? All these things will help get you on the same page about this forever journey you are about to embark on – and help you sail towards happiness ever after.
There is no one perfect solution to making sure your union is divorce-proof. But you can help it by giving it the best chance at not just surviving but absolutely thriving. Having important and difficult conversations about the big issues and making sure that you are on the same page, or at least coming to a place where you are able to deal with these issues and handle them in a healthy manner, will help you and your partner enter into the next beautiful chapter of your relationship on the strongest foot possible. Communicate with each other. Ask, listen, and discuss. This will help your love to thrive.