In my former life, I was a school teacher. Quitting my job to stay home with my children was the best decision for my family.
I transitioned slowly to the new role of stay-at-home-mom, but I grew to love the freedom of being home and deciding the daily influences on my children.
For seven years, I stayed home. I went from being the sole playmate to the mother of two boys who were rough-and-tumble and would love and laugh for hours with each other.
We had playdates, craft projects, park visits, stroller rides, board games, Target trips (thank you, lollipops!), and, yes, even lunch at McDonald’s.
We took classes at the YMCA and visited the local library.
The day was packed full, exhausting, and rarely quiet. The house was a mess, and the sound of the garage door sent all of us running to meet Daddy at the end of his workday.
It wasn’t glamorous work, but someone had to do it, and I was glad it was me.
But when my youngest child dared to turn 5, my role in the world I knew changed. In an instant, I went from being needed every waking moment to having a completely quiet house with no one to answer to but myself.
Though the transition was hard, there is life after the kids go to school, so I am here to offer suggestions for making the transition go more smoothly when it is time for your children to start kindergarten.
Transitioning to Being a Kindergarten Mom
First, allow yourself time to grieve. When you are a stay-at-home-mom, there are days when you feel like you live in a cave.
The sounds echo off every wall. Your children grunt and groan. They run around in their underwear in the middle of winter.
But when you crawl out of the cave to find stillness, you will find yourself wanting to run back into the cave! The cave has been your sanctuary.
Allow yourself some time to ponder the days gone by. One of my first days home alone, I started to cry when I found Dragon Tales on TV and watched it by myself.
What Is Empty Nest Syndrome?
We hear this term often as our children graduate high school and leave home for bigger and better things, but the same concept can definitely also be applied for kindergarten students leaving mommy.
Empty nest syndrome is simply the sadness or emotional distress that affects parents (in this case, the stay at home mom), whose children have left the home.
This is definitely a life-changing event, and if being a stay at home mom is what your life has been, then you may also be suffering a loss of some meaning in your life.
What are you supposed to do now that your little one is dependent on you for everything throughout the day? You may feel depressed and sad at times, you may suffer from anxiety, and there will almost always be tears.
The same can also be true of your preschooler and can continue until they start kindergarten.
When Do Children Start Kindergarten?
Typically, at age 5, but sometimes it can be as late as six years old.
States and districts have pushed the minimum age to start Kindergarten up so that more kids can start school when they are at least 5 years old. To be sure about your area, you should check the Kindergarten entrance ages for your own state and district.
Once I’m Done Grieving, What’s Next?
When you are done grieving (though it will come and go), shout at the top of your lungs.
Really, do it! I can’t remember what I yelled, but when I did, no one answered.
I had a perfectly quiet house where I could be Queen for the entire day. It is liberating to realize that you have the opportunity to set your own schedule any way you choose.
So, now that you have that realization, the next thing you need to do is decide what you want to put on that schedule.
It could be that you want to get your house organized, shop without children weighing you down, or have lunch with your girlfriends. You no longer have to face the challenges of getting your errands done or spending time for yourself once your kids start kindergarten.
It could be that you want to be a school volunteer or help at the local nursing home. Maybe you have been wanting to take an art class or write that book that has been formulating in your mind.
You need to have a plan — one that might change each day, but that will give you a structure for your day.
How Can I Prepare and Plan for this?
Next, you need to implement that plan. Is it OK to sit on the couch and eat bon-bons all day? (I don’t even know what those are, but I know people that assume that is all moms do anyway. Grrr.)
Sure, take a bubble bath. Take a nap.
But doing so on a regular basis is a setup for disaster. You are redefining your place in life with your plan.
You have the opportunity to do and be all that you never had a chance to do and be before.
Don’t waste this opportunity because you can’t find anything to do. Laying around the house all day every day will squash your inner voice that needs to be let out, and it may cause you to become depressed.
How can you help make the transition easier for both of you?
Spend One-On-One Time Together
The days are counting down until that first day of school, and the first day of inevitable freedom you will have since you became a stay-at-home mom.
We have talked about how you will feel as the mother, but how can you help make this transition easier on the child as well?
Spend some quality time together during that summer leading up to school. The focus, attention, and one on one time will help reassure both of you and will make the time spent together after school starts much more meaningful.
Say No to After School Activities
Making the transition to Kindergarten and finding ways to fill your alone time at home to avoid feelings of sadness and loneliness are already big and life-changing things.
So, before filling up any free time your child has or any time you could be spending with your child, say no to after school activities for the time being.
Kindergarten is a long and busy day for your child and is an environment they have to get used to. So, it is best to give yourself and your child a little time to cope and adjust before throwing in a bunch of other new and time-filling activities.
Use that free time after school and on the weekends to reconnect with your child. Ask about their day or week at school.
Talk about everything they have experienced and embrace your little one because it is only a matter of time before the next school day starts again.
Prepare for the First Day Together
Finally, prepare for the first day together. You can create memories and stronger bonds with your children when you spend that time with them shopping for school clothes and school supplies.
You can make an entire day of it. Make this time in your lives exciting and special. This will also go a long way at putting your child’s mind at ease.
Embrace the Truth
There are lots of stay at home moms who become bored and depressed. Don’t be one of them.
Your plan might include re-entry into the workplace. Great! You have put your career aspirations on hold to stay home.
You may desire to get back to work outside the home or to work from the home in the quiet of your home office, as I do. It doesn’t matter so much what your plan is, so long as you take the time to make it, stick to it, and adjust it as you change.
Having your child go to kindergarten is both heartbreaking and exhilarating. Allow yourself to experience the emotion of loss as you move from one phase to another.
Learn to redefine what interests you. And don’t worry, they’ll be home at 3:30. Chaos will ensue once again!
Editor’s note: a mom confession on kindergarten grief. Can you relate?
I think many people think we (stay-at-home moms) are sad because of the milestone itself, but I am sad about having less time with my daughter! I chose to be home, and it kills me knowing I get 40 hours less a week with her. It’s a week until she starts full-time kindergarten and man, this feels terrible. I still have another at home too! I just feel like these 5 years went so fast. I just keep telling myself that it’s not about me being sad and missing her. It’s about HER growing up and she’s excited! Still crying though.
That’s a great point Kim. No matter how frustrating my kids were on some days, when they were in school I missed them. Thanks for sharing your comment.
I hear you you definitely aren’t alone! My youngest just started kindergarten and he has bee home with me for 5 years. I thought I was ready for this but I guess not. The first day he didn’t cry but dad did I was surprised. Then second day I started to feel anxious then oh boy this mon and tues forget it I’m a mess I’m so anxious and emotional but I try not to show emotions I guess that’s not a good idea. My son isn’t really eating or drinking in school and not really using potty but he doesn’t give me grief to go to school go figure. I guess it’s just hard . I hope you are doing well!
My youngest starts school in one year. I’m dreading the day. Especially since this is all I’ve known since 2007 and I still can’t drive. So, not only will I be all alone in a year’s time but I’ll be stuck at home with my own thoughts.
Change is hard Gabrielle but think of the stories and experiences your youngest will have to share with you. Perhaps look at this as an opportunity to put the focus back on yourself, discover a long forgotten passion or pick-up a new interest. Thanks for sharing your comment. It is comforting for others to hear they’re not alone in this transition.
Cheers, Carrie Anne
Wow, right there with you ladies! Well, right there where you were at the time you posted your comments. Kindergarten is 1.5 months away for my youngest and I’ll be staring at a closet of “work clothes” for the first time in 15 years while mourning the passing of my sahm days. Would LOVE to hear updates from the other side, from you all?
It sounds like you and your youngest have an adventurous fall in store. Though not in conjunction to my kids starting kindergarten, I recently started back at work full time and it had it’s own set of challenges (https://www.everythingmom.com/soul/vlog-008-10-lessons-from-returning-to-work). You both with have some fun tales to tell over the dinner table 🙂 Thanks for your comment Juli.
Cheers, Carrie Anne
So glad I found this article as my baby is starting school in six days and for months I have felt the dread creeping up. I have four older kids teenagers and adults and I never felt this bad over them starting but I need to find me again and tear me and my baby away from each other. Hardest thing ever but hopefully be a good thing for both of us .
I didn’t know there were so many parents that felt the way I did… thank you for sharing. It’s a tough part to go through, my youngest will be in kinder soon and I work part time but that still isn’t enough I will miss her dearly. I will take it day by day and just ask God for strength.
I don’t want to let go, only 4 more days and my youngest starts kindergarten, all I know is to be is a mom, it’s my joy. I don’t know what to do with myself when they start school, my heart is breaking at the thought. I am lost, 10 years of just being needed, I love my kids so much, it’s hard to think I only get 5 to 6 hours a day with them after school, I don’t want to let go, I don’t know what the future holds, I want a future for myself but I’m just not sure what that is yet, I’m scared to do anything else, Cuz I’m not good at anything else. I just love being mommy!
needed this one.. i still have fur month. . dealing bpd and being a revover addict im worried beond words… since i ve been clean i have always had my babies so this is going to be a whole new balll gave 🙂
My 3 kids are all roughly 4 and 1/2 years apart and my youngest brother (whom i helped to raise) is only 3 years older then my oldest child so each time one went off to school i had a baby at home and was basically starting again. For 17 years… But now my baby has gone to kindergarten on the heels of my divorce… Im so bored. I barely function. I sleep all day and then im up all night. I’m physically disabled so going “back to work” seems far fetched. I had my oldest at 16 and always looked forward to them all being in school so i could do things… But now i feel like my life is over at 30. This article helped though. Hopefully ill find something to do besides sleep. ?
It sounds like you’ve had two big life changing moments happen pretty close to one another Luci. Give yourself some time.
I gotta tell you, I needed this article too. My youngest turned 5 in November and will be heading off to FULL DAY kindergarten in August 2016. No kidding it feels like I’m staring down the barrel of a shot gun!!! Whats a stay at home mom with no one to mom LOL. I’ve been trying to figure out what comes next. I’ve already started to grieve, somedays are good and some are not as good. The hardest part is that my husband, the career man who works full time and is in school for his masters, can’t seem to full understand though he tries. My kids are convinced that I am going bat crap crazy lol. But really I’ve been home for 10 years now, TEN YEARS. For 10 years i have not so much as gone to the bathroom alone lol. I am hopeful, scared, sad, happy, grateful, and lost all at the same time, it almost feels the same as when I became a stay at home mom.
I hear you Kellie. It’s hard to make adjustments to a role you’ve been in for so long. Every stage in my children’s life that came to an end was harder on me than it was on my kids. But change doesn’t have to be a bad thing and perhaps you’ll discover a new passion while still being there for your kids.
Oh Kellie, you said just what I was going to say. What do I do now? Too long out of the job market to get back into my financial services job I had 10 yrs ago… Lost so much confidence that I’m terrified to go “back out there” but don’t wanna sell Avon anymore cos I suck at that too LOL
Change can be scary. I went through a similar situation and tried doing some contract/freelance work in related fields see if it was still something I was interested in. I shared a video on things I learned about going back to work after an extended time away: https://youtu.be/OPMP7Um5Feo
It could also be a chance to explore other areas of interest. I heard a statistic that people go through 7 career changes in their lifetime.
This. Absolutely this, Kelli! I had three sons in five years and haven’t “worked” since June 2005. I’ve had at least one kid home the majority of the day for 11 years. This change is terrifying!
Oh my goodness did I need this article today! It is my 3rd day with my son at school. I still have a two year old at homw but I am so used to just….. being a mom to two boys 24/7 I am utterly lost with my one chilled out relaxed son. I have barely been able to get anything fone watching the clock for when I NEED to be ready to get my first born. I am looking forward to when the tears stop coming at 11 when Calliou comes on, for when my life starts again. I need to clean and craft and experience life with one kid. But im still scared…lol
I hear you Stevie. I felt the same way when my oldest went to school for the first time and I had just one child at home. Then it was a whole new experience when my third and last went to school, well, half day kindergarten.
I just dont know how to do it, i feel depress, I sleep in the mirning just to pass the time, my family is in another state , here is just me my daughter and my husband, the transition has been really hard, i feel linely and simethimes even when us 3:00pm I still feel sad. I will try to find a part time job, but what us going to happend in the summer, when she is out of school? I want to have another baby and this time do the transition diferently, I dont know.
🙁
Hi Carla, just wondering what you did?? Just reading posts online as I am having all these feelings since my second son started kindergarten in September and I’ve been feeling pretty quiet and lonely since. We had always talked about possibly 3 kids, but never acted on it sooner, and now I’m feeling regret that we didn’t sooner. Did you get over your sad feelings or try for another child.
I came across this article late to the game, but it was just what I was looking for today…..I am a stay at home Dad and my second child has about a year and a half to go before she is the last out of the house. I have always said I will be excited but sad in ways with that transition and this article touched on some great talking points!
Thanks, I needed this article today.
So glad this helped your transition Dana. Everyone always talks about kindergarten as a big step for kids but it’s just has hard for parents. Hope it’s a great year for both of you.