Initiating Sex: Why Do Men Always Have to Make the First Move?

Dr. Brian’s Point

Ah, women. For once couldn’t you just drop your prim and proper ways, throw us men onto the couch and take advantage of us? Rumour is that men are getting a little tired of always initiating sex.
 In fact, this isn’t just a rumour. Studies show that men initiate twice as many times as women.

You know, us men are all about equal opportunity, especially in the bedroom. Men understand that way back when, women were supposed to be subservient to their men. Today, it’s a different story. We’d love to see you take charge in the bedroom. In fact, one of the top male sexual fantasies is seeing their partner turn into a tigress in bed.

Men generally don’t mind making the first move, especially when it results in a jolly ol’ romp. However, they wouldn’t mind if you jumped them once in a while. When men want sex their signals are pretty obvious – if you get my drift, nudge, nudge, wink, wink. You women are much more subtle. You might hug, kiss, or cuddle, but you leave the sexual advances up to your man.

So why don’t you initiate sex? Studies have found women don’t jump their man because, quite simply, they don’t have to. You know men are horny enough they’ll take the horizontal dance to the next level. Another reason you gals don’t initiate sex is because of the social stigma attached. You all don’t want to be considered too slutty. With men, there is neither shame nor remorse for trying to get some action.

Ladies: when your guy always initiates he doesn’t really know when you DO want to have sex. He might even think you accept to please him, not because you want to get it on.

A common myth is that men are always horny and therefore ready for sex. Though this may be true for an18 year old boy, it is not true for adult males. It may be hard to believe, but men refuse sex with their partners at the same rate as females. Rejection is hard for either gender. One can become gun-shy if they are rejected one too many times.

Trina, please express our concerns to your female readers. If you girls start to initiate sex we’ll think it’s hot, not whore-like. It’s your move!

Dr. Trina’s Counterpoint

What century were you born in Brian—my grandmother’s? Sisters are doing it for themselves! Only about 12 percent of women never initiate sex.

Yes you fellows initiate more. Instead of sulking about it, what you should be asking yourself is: When I initiate does she seem enthusiastic or half-hearted?

Plus men, every time your lady touches you is not necessarily an invitation to drop your pants. Sometimes she just needs soothing touch. It’s a huge turnoff for us when you jump the gun and go for it when we just want to cuddle.

And if you men could stop your whining for just one second, I can tell you the real issue. Surveys show couples believe both partners should initiate sex with equal frequency. However things go sideways when couples form a bonding pattern of one initiating more than the other. They get stuck in an initiating rut, resentment builds, power struggles ensue and sex starts to really suck (and not in a good way).

Brian, couples need to stop blaming each other and start focusing on what type of initiation rut they have created.

So guys, if you want your gal to initiate more here are some tips to pass on. Even though you want her to be straight forward and simply say, “Let’s jump in the sack…NOW”, it doesn’t work that way for women.

Instead, encourage her that a hug and lingering kiss are an excellent first start. Next, tell your gal how you would like her to initiate. Yes, yes, I know that means some thinking on your part.

What do you like? For her to tell you in the morning she can’t wait to make love that night? Tempting you to join her in a bath or shower? A sensual massage? Stripping off your clothes one piece at a time? Sexing you up with words, moans, screams or other sexy sounds? Stimulating all of your senses with scents, music, food, sexy lingerie, and satin or good cotton sheets? Stripping for you because you love to watch her undress?

There are so many fun options that being creative is half the fun of creating new initiating habits.

Brian, if men want us women to initiate more you must cease the nagging. Instead, let us know how you want us to initiate and you might be surprised at how we surpass your expectations.

June 24th, 2011|Tags: , , , |3 Comments

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  1. Laura88 May 28, 2012 at 2:23 pm - Reply

    This was so unhelpful for me! I am a woman, looking for ideas on how to initiate sex more often with my boyfriend & came across your website. I guess I was expecting some concrete suggestions, such as “do x, y & z.” Instead, I read sarcastic remarks & lots of subtle denigrating comments.

    “What century were you born in?”
    “Instead of sulking about it…”
    “And if you men could stop your whining for just one second…”
    “Yes, yes, I know that means some thinking on your part.”

    Wow. Not exactly pillow talk. And I would venture to say that if I said things like that to my boyfriend, he’d probably never feel safe enough to tell me what’s on his mind ever again.

    And while you finally gave some advice in the last paragraph, you still put the responsibility back on the man. He has to tell her. Yea…I get it. But I really wanted to surprise my guy. I was married to a man for 8 years who NEVER initiated anything romantically. So, I told him it’d be great if he’d do spontaneous romantic things, such as drawing me a candlelit bath, etc.

    Two days later, he drew me a candlelit bath. It was very anticlimactic. Because there was no surprise element.

    If a guy has to say “I need you to initiate sex with me by coming to bedroom and doing a strip tease dance and straddling me, and kissing every inch of my body…etc.” And then I do that…well, it takes some of the surprise element out of it. And once again, a guy must wonder if I would have done it on my own initiative, rather than by his own suggestion.

    I have to think that it would blow his mind if he didn’t even ask for it & suddenly his girl just does it. Right? That’s what I’m looking for.

    And I find that when I make my guy feel more desirable, more masculine, more appreciated…then I get more of the cuddles and kisses throughout the day that meet my needs for intimacy.

    However, if I talked to him the way you did in your response, he would definitely withdraw from me.

    Again, I was really looking for specific examples of exactly how to make that first move. This article was not helpful to me at all.

  2. jayslay78 October 13, 2014 at 9:50 am - Reply

    Laura 88 sounds like you need to write a article. This female doctor just made me feel like it’s a lost cost.

  3. Anon July 30, 2015 at 3:28 pm - Reply

    Laura88 I am a guy and seriously you are speaking the truth. Nothing should be told and then happen a couple of days later. Yes us guys are a kind of simple in he way that we are direct and don’t do wel to subtle behaviour. But we can listen and take things on board. My advice would be just to every so often (every month or so) just take your man. Start just by sitting on his lap and kissing him like a teenager and after a minute of that just saying how you want him. I am sure you can tell how much he would want you by then. Don’t worry about the over hyped feminist world we live in and get caught up in male purile Sterotyping. Seriously. So many of us guys want our partners to be true equals. But it’s also hard when, as I said before, we aren’t that great at subtlety. It doesn’t have to be that often. But every now and then. Just be a bit animalistic and enjoy each other physically.

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