Spend More Time Between the Sheets (or Not)

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I’ve taken an informal poll for about the last five years. The results are nearly unanimous. When asked ‘what is going wrong in your relationship?’, especially within the first year after having a baby, women and men answer very differently.
Women describe a lack of equal footing on the home-front, from sharing childcare responsibilities to picking up socks, and that they’re too tired to put much effort into maintaining the relationship as it once was. Men say they miss sex.

Figuring that it’s not that simple, I prod further, and find out that men can generally be happy with anything else out of alignment (and they’re happy to pick up the slack) when sex is still a priority for both partners; women feel like it’s a lot of effort, and they want to, but how do they find the time and energy?

This, friends, is a state of emergency for our relationships. This requires emergency measures, so that we can all get back that blissful, post-oohlala glow that helps us sail through the day, unfettered-feeling. Ladies, read on for some (down and kind of dirty) suggestions to add more ahhhhh to your life.

  1. Lie to your children. Tell the kids you’re going to do a heinous chore that they would never interrupt, lest get roped into doing it too. Don’t do the chore, do your man.
  2. Don’t underestimate the power of a mega-quickie. You’ve got 10 minutes while your daughter finishes watching Dora? Run to the garage and rediscover your car’s backseat.
  3. Set the alarm. You may be a little tired, but if you plan it well, waking up to frisky spooning could set the day up nicely. With or without tooth-brushing.
  4. Take a ‘shower’. If your kids are old enough to let you take a shower alone, without interruption, they’re old enough for you to take a shower not alone (but still without interruption). Pro-tip: run the shower, but don’t get in – a vanity is the perfect height for most women.
  5. Go commando. You never know when the (ahem) opportunity might pop up. A skirt with nothing underneath can facilitate matters. Word to the wise: be careful when bending over.
  6. Surprise him in the shower first thing in the morning. Just be prepared for the potential of him… ‘surprising’ himself. Then take over.
  7. Find a code phrase or look. So then, whether you’re with the kids, or in adult company, you both get the drift that temperatures are rising.
  8. Never, ever, ever schedule sex. It may seem like a good idea when you’re both busy and tired, so that you don’t forget to fit it in, but this will, for 98% of couples, murder their sex life. If it doesn’t kill it completely, the automation that comes with scheduled sex will.
  9. Try something new. I’m not suggesting anything outside of your comfortability, but try something new and a little spicy – anything from lingerie or toys, to warming liquids and silk scarves.
  10. Try out new positions. Go all-out and buy the Kama Sutra if you like, and go through each position systematically. Odds are, like most couples, you stay within a comfortable 3-10 contortions. Explore.
  11. Tell him what you want. Shut down a vanilla moment by telling him what you want him to do to you, or vice versa.
  12. Text him. Taking a cue from #11, tell him what you want when he gets home. Alternatively, consider this: sexting isn’t just for teenagers (it isn’t for teenagers at all, actually).
  13. Let him walk in on you ‘surprising’ yourself. Yes, I said it. Engage in a little personal time, when you know he’ll be coming up the stairs. 85% of men will lose their minds within three seconds of opening the door – in a good way. The other 15%, I just don’t understand.
  14. Do the laundry. And while you’re doing it, do it on top of the washer. Assuming your washer isn’t in the kitchen, where children are doing homework, that is.
  15. Meet on a dead-end road. Yes, I’m advocating illegal relations in public. Meet after work, before you pick up the kids, and go at it like young lovers.
  16. Walk around your bedroom in a t-shirt and underwear. Just trust me on this one. (Technically, this one only works if it’s not an old, holey t-shirt. Bonus points if it’s his t-shirt. Extra bonus points if it’s his favourite t-shirt or from his favourite sports team.)
  17. Be very daring. This is a bold kick-start move: don your loveliest (by your definition) lingerie underneath your usual attire. Ask your husband to meet you for an extended lunch date at the restaurant of a hotel. Show up, don’t order, drop a key in his hand, and walk toward the elevator. As soon as you’re in the room, undress down to the lingerie. (BExtra male fantasy points, if you wear heels the entire time.)
  18. Do something new. With yourself. Find a hobby you love, that energizes you. Dye your hair or find the perfect shade of red lipstick. Blow a bonus from work on saucy Manolos and wear them like crazy. Find some sexy confidence and you’ll be radiating sensuality.
  19. Take up yoga, or another flexibility-increasing activity. You’ll thank me for this tip. So will he.
  20. Ask your parents or a trusted babysitter to watch the kids over night. You can either go away, or send them to someone’s house. Spend most of the evening with dinner, some wine, and each other. Savour all of it (possibly all over the house), then promptly fall into a peaceful sleep.

I know you’re a creative bunch – what other kinds of suggestions can you think of for couples out there who need a little more booty in their lives?

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