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For years I’ve been doing about four to five media interviews per week. Each and every time I get asked, “How much sex is normal”, I feel like my head will explode.

I appreciate it must be on everyone’s mind as there is so much pressure to be ‘sexually normal’. And if there was a normal, set-in-stone amount of sex there wouldn’t be the confusion and everyone would get on with their business and not ask me every single time I do an interview.

Yet, after all these years, giving the following makes no difference. People are still confused, still want a better answer. And I am still left amiss on how to convince couples to trust their own instincts.

So if you’re desperate to know how much sex is normal in your relationship, read on. Be warned though: It probably won’t satiate your need because I don’t give a specific amount.

How Much Sex is Normal…Short answer
There is no average for how many times a couple makes love. End of story.

How Much Sex is Normal…Long answer
Of the billions of people on this planet, you have a unique libido.

Your life experience and stage of life create the ebb and flow of your sexuality. Take, for example, a typical 18-year-old who feels randy and invincible. By the time that 18-year-old reaches 40, daily responsibilities replace the energy and zeal sex once occupied. Your sexual uniqueness becomes like a thumbprint.

When you become coupled, it is a matter of working with two people’s sexual thumbprints. This is where things can get complicated because the natural ebb and flow of two people’s thumbprints rarely coincide.

Sometimes, the two of you are in prime sex-zone mode and cannot wait to get home to rip each other’s clothes off. At times, your partner feels romantic and your mind is on work. On occasion, you nudge your partner expecting some nooky and they rollover and go to sleep, leaving you feeling ripped off.

Every now and then, the two of you will have a week where there is sex everyday; the next month, nothing will happen. This doesn’t make you abnormal. It makes you human.

There are happy couples who have sex pretty much every day. There are happy couples who have sex once a month. And even though it goes against everything you have learned, sexual happiness is not a matter of quantity. It is a matter of what works for you at this present time in your life with your current partner.

A healthy sex life takes time and effort. It takes flexibility and forgiveness. It also takes two human beings understanding that sexuality is a constantly changing variable.

How much sex is normal? Surveys that give norms on sexual activity shouldn’t be taken too seriously. When questioned about personal information, most people get nervous and lie.

And for goodness sake, do not fall into the trap of measuring your happiness against someone else’s measuring stick. If you are happy with the sex in your relationship, then you are normal. No measuring sticks needed, thank you very much.

 

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