104 Hilarious New Year Resolution Jokes And One-Liners

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With the new year almost around the corner,  various plans are floating in the air. While some are wondering which pubs to hit for New Year’s Eve, others are thinking about the games they can play at home with friends and family while drinking lots of champagne.

Regardless of your corner plans for New Year’s Eve, certain things always remain common among most people worldwide. I hope the next year brings along more peace and prosperity and sets some goals for yourself.

Another common element seen among numerous people is the to-do list for the year that is about to begin, which is otherwise known as the list of New Year resolutions.

Most of us make resolutions at the beginning of the year, but let’s face it: Most never get fulfilled. Funnily enough, we end up breaking them the very next day or during the first week of January.

Due to this very reason, New Year resolutions have taken on a comic avatar, giving birth to New Year resolution jokes. After all, why take something so seriously when you can just have fun with it, right?

There are a few traditions people follow at the beginning of each year, one of them being sending New Year wishes and texts to their loved ones.

This year, though, how about you change things up a little and send across some funny New Year resolution jokes to your buddies and family members?

If hilarious New Year resolution jokes and one-liners are what you’re looking for, we’ve got plenty of them for you to choose from.

Funny New Year Resolution Jokes to Make Everyone Laugh

Funny New Year Resolution Jokes to Make Everyone Laugh

Many want to be the center of attention at parties through funny quips or even make our beloved people laugh through hilarious jokes. So, if you wish to make people laugh their hearts out through New Year resolution jokes and one-liners, the following are the ones that could make the cut:

  • I will not get my news just from Twitter. I’ll try Facebook as well.
  • I will stop drinking orange juice right after brushing my teeth.
  • I will get divorced and remarried just once this year.
  • I will stop licking frozen flagpoles.
  • I will return to school to avoid paying my student loans.
  • I will spend less than $2000 on coffee at Starbucks this year.
  • I will only eat white snow.
  • I will claim all my pets as dependents on my taxes.
  • I will check my work emails at least once this year.
  • I will watch more cute and cuddly puppy videos on Instagram.
  • I will watch less TV in standard definition.
  • I will switch my username to ‘password’ and my password to ‘username’ to make each a lot harder for hackers to crack and figure out.
  • I will start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and silly quizzes.
  • I will help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while eating at McDonald’s and speeding through crosswalks in school zones with a frost-covered windshields.
  • I will start a blog about how I would write more often if I had something important to note. I will then make only one blog entry and leave it published for years without posting anything else.
  • I will avoid fingertip soreness by learning to play Rock Band instead of a real guitar.
  • I will talk with a robot voice all the time.
  • I will live my best life and only buy pants with no buttons or zippers.
  • I will go vegan for six months and inevitably give up.
  • I will sign up for a marathon that I will bravely not actually run.
  • I will stock up on fresh fruits and vegetables and eat them before they turn into green mystery goop in the back of the fridge.
  • I will unfollow all the Kardashians but continue to keep up with them.
  • I will go on a vitamin and supplement shopping spree and finish at least one bottle before I give up.
  • I will remember to make overnight oats the night before, even though I know I won’t want to eat them in the morning.
  • I will buy all the leftover 2022 calendars and burn them.
  • I will stop lying about following New Year’s resolutions.
  • I will relearn social cues after staying home for nearly two years.
  • I will go viral on TikTok for something dumb.
  • I will pick movies on Netflix swiftly and decisively so that, you know, I hit play before falling asleep.
  • I will make a funny and viral reel making fun of TikTok.
  • I will refuse to acknowledge 2022 during social gatherings.
  • I will turn all my high heel shoes into flats.
  • I will manage to go the entire year without accidentally telling someone random on the phone, “Love you,” as the call ends. However, the scheduler from my dentist’s office did seem to appreciate it.
  • I will tattoo “New Year, New Me (JK)” on my back.
  • I will unfriend every person who shares their unsolicited diet or exercise regimen on social media.
  • I will never take HomeGoods trips for granted ever again.
  • I will take more days off and burn Zoom and Slack off my phone when I do.
  • I will follow Gina Linetti’s advice and turn my tweets into a book.
  • I will become the GOAT at sarcasm.
  • I will stop buying up all the butternut squash gnocchi at Trader Joe’s as soon as they restock it. I will leave some for the other shoppers as well.
  • I will have eyebrows as symmetrical as a Wes Anderson movie.
  • I will share my New Year’s Eve champagne.
  • I will keep kicking ass and taking names because detailed record-keeping is essential.
  • I will make so many baked goods for my besties that they will start calling me Martha Stewart.
  • I will do so much yoga that it justifies wearing yoga pants 24/7.
  • I will read more or at least turn the subtitles on while binge-watching TV.
  • I will buy as many fancy face masks as I want. These are pandemic times, after all. If you want a bejeweled swath of fabric to protect yourself (or others) from COVID-19, then just do the damn thing.
  • I will wake up before noon on the weekends.
  • I will carefully read all the directions on a food box before throwing it away. I don’t have to go garbage diving midway through making Hamburger Helper.
  • I will not text that toxic person back. You know the one. We all have one.
  • I will come to terms with the fact that John Mayer is not meant for me.
  • I will lose weight by hiding it somewhere you’ll never find it.
  • I will buy new clothes big enough to account for next year’s holidays.
  • I will lose weight by inventing the anti-gravity machine.
  • I will find a more accurate weighing scale.
  • I will gain enough weight to get on ‘The Biggest Loser.’
  • I will lose weight by living on the moon.
  • I will build biceps by increasing reps of Ding Dong curls to 3 sets of 15.
  • I will eat more fruit snacks.
  • I will stop buttering my donuts.
  • I will fart in front of my squad with no shame.
  • I will eat more tacos.
  • I will stay in the bathroom while I brush my teeth.
  • I will stop making lists that include making more lists.
  • I will wield every spare wrapping paper tube I come across as a makeshift lightsaber.
  • I will pay off my credit cards monthly in full using my other credit cards.
  • I will keep better records throughout the year. That way, I can listen to better music while figuring out my taxes.
  • I will save some money for a rainy day. That way, I can shop online instead of going to an actual store.
  • I will look for investors for my ‘home office business.
  • I will avoid getting a divorce by practicing polygamy.
  • I will lower my bills by digging a hole to put them in.
  • I will borrow things more often and return them less often.
  • I will buy a fire extinguisher, so my money doesn’t burn a hole in my pocket.
  • I will visit the grocery more often than restaurants, especially when free samples are served.
  • I will stop throwing away money that could at least be burned for heat.
  • I will use ChapStick more.
  • I will floss every day and not just with wild abandon in the week leading up to cleaning.
  • I will be okay with having to make more than one trip from the car to bring in groceries. The human arm can only hold so much, after all.
  • I will book that bougie trip for sure.
  • I will get waxed without feeling obligated to make awkward small talk.
  • I will stop telling the same jokes while meeting up with my friends. Or I’ll just make new friends.
  • I will stop forcing my family to make New Year’s Resolutions. Word to the wise: Eight-year-olds don’t give a damn.
  • I will put on a complete outfit for Zoom calls.
  • I will drink more. Benjamin Franklin seems to have said that beer is proof of God’s love.
  • I will refrain from lurking awkwardly in front of a can of peas at the grocery store for 10 minutes. I am pretending to read the gosh damn Le Sueur label for the 100th time just because someone has their cart parked in front of the canned veggies I need. I will go around and then circle back. You know, in a less murky and creepy way.
  • I will give up blaming the family dog for every strange smell in the house, especially when I know it came from me.
  • I will read the books I bring to the beach or on any holiday. Like, seriously.
  • I will stop falling for emotionally unavailable people.
  • I will stop delaying tasks for tomorrow. I’ll delay them till the day after, just in case.
  • I will harness every willpower I have to not hit the elevator button repeatedly in a futile attempt to make it go faster.
  • I will play Adele’s new album all year long. No shame. No regrets.
  • I will happily and proudly admit that Taylor Swift’s songs make me cry.
  • I will cancel plans honestly without giving a lame excuse. I deserve to stay home in my pajamas all day long.
  • I will tell the doctor the truth when they ask how many drinks, be it alcoholic or caffeinated, I have in a month.
  • I will not feel obligated to tell a couple that their baby is cute, especially when it isn’t.
  • I will bravely send back food to a restaurant. Seriously, though, I refuse to pay $200 for a plate of green mush.
  • I will look my ugliest best at home no matter who plans on showing up at my doorstep. If you don’t accept me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my fabulous best.
  • I will eat an entire pack of gummy bears in one night if I feel like it. Or maybe five of them. Self-love is what’s more important, you see.
  • I will give more pep talks to my little puppies.
  • I will stop Googling my symptoms whenever I have a cold. It’s not fun to see Google declare that I might die soon.
  • I will do something new daily, like wiping in the other direction after using the toilet.
  • May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.
  • I will exercise more self-control, though I already have a rule not to drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
  • My New Year resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

Also Read: New Year’s Tradition: First Footer Superstition


Do you want to make everyone laugh with your wonderful sense of humor for the New Year party you’re about to attend? If so, then New Year’s resolution jokes will do the trick. Check the ones mentioned above and let us know which ones cracked you up the most.

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