To the Edge and Digging Deep (Week #6)

Last week, I spoke about some very heavy emotional trunks I’ve been lugging around.  Instead of opening them up and sorting through everything, I decided it was just easier to toss the trunks and jump.  Have you done this?  Have you come to the edge of the cliff with your emotional junk?

How far do we need to travel before we realize how far off the edge we are?  Do we cling to the edge, become so exhausted we just let go and slide down the edge or do we take a running leap of faith that whatever is on the other side is calling our name so strongly we can’t help but jump?

Or do we shy away from the edge completely?  Turn back towards familiarity no matter how painful or defeating it might be, because it’s “comfortable”.

Or do we jump too quickly?  Anything to escape the pain of our current landscape.  Forget taking out our gardening gloves to yank some weeds or water the dry, cracked earth we’re standing on.  That takes work, and look at that lush forest over there with the sparkling waterfalls and vibrant flowers (and, yes unicorns, oh and singing angels).  Way easier to jump on over there.

Thing is, over there?  Needs nurturing and watering and weeding and love too.  We all know this.  We just pretend otherwise because it saves us from looking at (much less fixing) our own mess.

I’m a jumper, not a gardener.  I’ve expected my yard to magically take care of itself, or hoped that others would tend to it, but certainly I did not want to get dirty.  I wanted to sit back with a cocktail and drink in the beauty while good things just magically happened. Somehow. 

And this horrible truth is what yanks me immediately back up to my familiar mess every time I jump.  Before I even get a chance to feel the moist grass between my toes, my bungee cord pulls me back up and plops me down in my weeds. 

About 10 seconds later I start looking for pretty flowers again.  Somewhere else.

I’m onto this game.  I am finally figuring out the rules and maybe even how to win.  There are no gardeners.  The only way the weeds are going away is if I yank them out from the roots myself.  Flowers will only grow if I learn how to prepare the ground and plant the seeds. 

Parts of me are so thankful that I started this MomEsteem journey.  And other parts, this part, scares the living daylights out of me.  I am bringing out my dark, thorny side, meeting her and saying hello, its ok, I still love you.  But we need to do some gardening.  We need to dig deep and see what beauty wants to emerge.  Before we jump or toss.

But I really just wanna jump and toss now.  Like bad.  This admitting your faults, taking responsibility for transformation and being real is, like my coach said, a real fucking inconvenience.

Image by Johan & Natasja

About Mom Esteem Michelle Davies, the founder of EverythingMom, is on a 12 week Self-Esteem Journey with Life Coach, Jennifer Pernfuss. Mom Esteem was inspired by the Dove Movement for Self-Esteem. We invite you to join the journey by joining our Mom Esteem Group or starting your own journey by contacting Jennifer.

 

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