The latest from our Heart and Soul
This past week, my husband and I escaped to Mexico to spend some time trying to find our way back to each other through the web of stories we have loaded into our almost 10 years of marriage.
Our marriage had become so dammed up with icky gunk and junk that hindered the flow of love.
I will not speak of my husband’s junk, because that is his business and has no place in this space. I can share with you my stories that have been loading both mySelf an my marriage down for many years.
I tell mySelf a great number of stories. They are mostly not true, made up stories.
Complete Bullshit.
Sometimes these stories save me from taking needed action, protect my sense of pride, make me feel better or hold me back from the dare of becoming the luscious, sensual self that is bursting to escape.
My stories justify my actions. Make me right. Keep me in control. Keep me safe from pain.
And small and sad.
The stories that really plugged up the flow were those around what love means. How to give and receive deep, scrumptious love to both mySelf and others.
Living wide open in love (both on my own and in relationship) is a freaking scary place to be. I often consider jumping to avoid feeling scared (or feeling at all).
At least that has been my story. Or my inner critic’s, or gremlin’s or whatever bad names we want to call those nagging inner voices drenched in shame. I’ve called it “mine” for so long I own it as though it is a third arm.
So I threw in a bunch of junk to plug the the flow and keep everything within the confines of my story. My safe, stubborn, comfortable and lonely story.
While in Mexico, I began to tear down the dam. I pulled out the moldy, warped, sticky stories and put them onto one giant raft and sent them sailing out into the ocean.
I now have a blank book with many, many free and open chapters. A free flowing space of un-knowing-ness. No expectations, no control, no judgements. Just pages waiting to be filled with magic.
My husband and I are starting a new chapter on marriage and family together. How we can co-create a magical, sometimes messy and never perfect marriage and family.
I am setting out to fill the remainder of the book with a radical new Story of Self, written by and revealing Who I Really Am.
How would your story be different if you torn down your dam? What would flow? What would be possible?
* Thank you to my wonderFUL coach, Jennifer for her lovely nuggets of delicious words which weave their way into my written account of our glorious conversations.
Image by Jordan
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About Mom Esteem Michelle Davies, the founder of EverythingMom, is on a 12 week Self-Esteem Journey with Life Coach, Jennifer Pernfuss. Mom Esteem was inspired by the Dove Movement for Self-Esteem. |
Comments (13)
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2010-09-16 03:11:33 |Unregistered| Diana VanDenAkker
about it all now... -
I love this: 'how we can co-create a magical, sometimes messy and never perfect marriage and family'. Beautiful.
And so so true. I think we can all say that that is the goal(or a variation of the goal) for all families.
Proud. Of. You.
S
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Wow.
I have read this twice, and will likely reread it as time goes on. My heart gets heavy, then light, then heavy, then light as I read. I'm proud of you, I'm happy for you, and I'm thankful for you. These are big truths you are telling, and I would bet that there isn't anyone reading who doesn't occasionally need to hold a mirror up and say...whoa. wait. who are we now? what are we now? where are we going?
Lives get busy, we get busy, we allow our lives to fill up with so much else. How wonderful to spend a week just letting all that fall away, and enjoying what exists when the scurrying around stops.
Deep breaths. Thanks for sharing this with us. It's a magical, messy and never perfect story. It's doing us good to share the journey. May we all enjoy our own magical, messy and imperfect lives. That's a wonderful way to see it.
xo
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Jen, thank you for your love and support! I sometimes still get incredible anxiety over sharing my innermost with everyone.
I am feeling more wild and courageous and free and freaking joyFUL the further this journey progresses.
Slugging through the muck to find my soul has been an incredible journey. I am so thankful for Jennifer, she is a brilliant tour guide.
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:sigh: very good article; I'd definitely read that again and wonder how I could change. what I could change.
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Thank you! I try to chunk things down into small pieces. What is ONE thing I could change, and how and when and WILL I?
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When I read your post, Michelle, I am moved by the stunning power of truth and courage. TO LIVE WIDE OPEN IN LOVE! WHEW!!!! To live with an open heart - giving and receiving. OPEN despite what has happened to you in life or what is in front of you right now. There is a vulnerability to living this way - a vulnerability which is precious. "There is nothing as lonely as that which has become hardened." John ODonohue And we always get to choose. Imagine being asked enthusiastically by the one you love - Let's co-create a spectacular life together? Michelle, you are an inspiration!
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Everyone should know you, speak with you, hear you and let your love flow through them.
You are magical.
xoxo
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One of my favourite poems I wish to share with you
The Holy Longing
poem by Johann W. Von Goethe
Tell a wise person, or else keep silent,
because the mass man will mock it right away.
I praise what is truly alive,
what longs to be burned to death.
In the calm water of the love-nights,
where you were begotten, where you have begotten,
a strange feeling comes over you,
when you see the silent candle burning.
Now you are no longer caught in the obsession with darkness,
and a desire for higher love-making sweeps you upward.
Distance does not make you falter.
Now, arriving in magic, flying,
and finally, insane for the light,
you are the butterfly and you are gone.
And so long as you haven't experienced this: to die and so to grow, you are only a troubled guest on the dark earth.
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