Self-Esteem Storm

I’ve been there, although I try to avoid that dark place as much as possible.

I close up as the weight closes in on me. My ears ring, my stomach does somersaults, my chest pounds, my throat constricts, my shoulders collapse into my chest and I freeze in hopes of catching a few breaths here and there. I feel like am drowning.

So I do what any sane person does when they feel the water closing in on them, I swim. I kick like hell to get myself to the surface. Get me outta here.

I do something. Anything. Everything.

I do everything I can to make progress. I distract myself with doing so I don’t get caught up in that storm.

I always need answers. I need to know everything. Right now.

What can I do to make THIS go away. What steps do I need to take, what action items can I cross off, what practices to I need to establish. WHAT? HOW? WHEN?

Now.

Because this storm is crushing me.

Until yesterday.

I had my very first coaching conversation with the remarkable Jennifer Pernfuss.

She took me to that dark place. To do nothing.

It was awful.

I was guided to that place to simply feel what it felt like there. And not do anything about it. Take a look around, see what was down there. What, like a freaking tourist? Who goes on holidays during hurricane season? Insane.

What the HELL am I doing here? THIS is not solving ANYTHING. I need answers. I need to know how to FIX this. I am drowning here, can’t she see that? Why isn’t she rescuing me from this place. What is she trying to do to me? Swim, kick, breathe.

But--- How do I, what do I, when do I --- what about this? Were my questions to Jennifer when I came to the surface.

The doing, always with the doing.

As she started to guide me back to the feeling place, I heard it.

You might call me crazy, and you know, I am actually fine with that if you do.

But I heard it.  It felt like a scene out of Eat. Pray. Love.  (And I have been yearning to hear this voice forever.)

A loud, kind voice laughing at me, slamming his hand down on the table booming:

“It’s none of your business. You really think you’re in control?”

So imagine. I am on a call with this gal - whom I have just met. Not even in real life, just on the phone.

I am drowning in this heavy, dark place and I all of a sudden burst out laughing.

OMG. It is NONE of my BUSINESS!

What a friggen relief.

I don’t need to figure it all out. That’s not my job. I don’t have to fix it.

I got the profound sense that if I can somehow float around in this feeling place and just be there - nurturing my soul, the answers would somehow come to me from a higher place and carry me into doing.

I am letting go of being anxious for answers. I am letting go of my agenda about when or how or even if any of this needs to be “fixed”.

Jennifer commented: For many women, if we’re not doing, then what? I have NO idea. But I suppose I am about to find out.

Images by pondspider & paulperton

About the Author Founder of EverythingMom.com Posted by Michelle in mom self esteem on July 21, 2010 More from this author  |  Author Website Follow Michelle on:  |

Comments  

 

+1 # littlemissmocha 2010-07-21 09:04

This is amazing. What a realization. I read the first part and had to consciously stretch my shoulders back, feeling that same pressure, that same closing in. I've been there.

And then I read the rest. And laughed. And breathed. And then I felt lucky to be along for this journey. There are things I can learn along the way, of that I am sure.

Thanks for sharing this with us, Michelle.

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+1 # Zoeyjane 2010-07-21 09:36

This makes me feel like I need a coach. Maybe yours. Because I SO hear that panic and I want to know the other side of it.

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+1 # Michelle 2010-07-21 09:40

YES! I made it to the other side yesterday. It sucked going there, but I made it.

And my coach? She's absolutely brilliant. She knows how to do the "deep work" with care and compassion.

Everyone should hire her.

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0 # EverythingAndrea 2010-07-22 04:04

That deep dark place - I have yet to find it. With this great bunch of friends, I may just get there and move through it.
I know that drowning, kicking and OMG feeling on a regular basis. I never thought of myself as a control freak, but recently have become all to aware that I AM!! Mainly of things/people/etc that no matter what I am never going to control. I am still not at the point where I can let go. I try and then I get sucked back in. I had to take control of a lot of grown up things when I was in my early teens and it seems to be an integral part of my make-up now as an adult. I almost fear the letting go, as in my mind it means I failed. Failed at what???? Who knows. I hope that the voice of reason comes to me soon, that I to can get to the other side and finally laugh and wait for the answers, rather than seeking them out and not finding them.
Thank you Michelle, and all of you who share your lives and thoughts - you are amazing!

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0 # rhonda0228 2010-07-22 08:44

I can so relate to this post. Like others just reading your description of the symptoms you experience caused me to feel the same things. Like I am trapped in a box and need to claw my way out.

The weird thing is that the thought of letting go and not trying to find answers when I am at this point makes me feel even more panicky. I think you are on to something when you mentioned that it stems from a need to control situations around us. For me I want to keep my heart guarded and protected and when I feel like it is about to be stepped on I begin to feel the symptoms that you described above. But then I have to realize that we don't always know the answers and sometimes there are no answers and we just have to relax and be. But that feeling of relaxing, like we are just letting things happen leaves one feeling very vulnerable.

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0 # JenPernfuss 2010-07-28 08:51

In my own process and my clients', I have had to spend a lot of time with my feelings. The work often leads us into the fire of deep sadness, anger, emptiness. And it is SO difficult to stand in it because it feels bad. We are loathe to stay with the tension. We are a society adverse to discomfort. We turn to food or alcohol, a lover or the mall to distract and ease the pain. If we can just muster the courage to stand in the fire–stay with the feeling one wants so much to avoid, it will do its work on you. It is transformative. Think of the blacksmith. The metal has to be held in the flame long enough for it to become soft so it can be shaped into the desired object. This is true of our lives. If we can feel what we feel. Let it do its work on us, we come out able to make choices in our lives that are true to who we are. Give it a try. Open up to a feeling you are avoiding. (I have even been known to talk to mine “oh no, its you, sadness, you’re here again!) Then get curious .

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0 # nene 2010-08-04 09:56

Profund, very profund inspiring but scary. It is so painfull that makes you feel like you need something, (food, alcohol, sex, gossiping) anything to distract that feeling and not have to go to the pain or the feel. There is so much cluttered to clear out that our lives are so confused in what we really should do. Thank you for helping me to understand in a rational way that that's the place to go. Like it or not. Thank you Michelle for being so generous and open to share this incredible journey with us, thank you Jennifer for your generous heart and precious soul. I am very excited about this journey.

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