Everyone has a story. Some will say their story is more painful than others and that they cannot possibly get there from here. Their scars run too deep, their anger flares too wildly, their shame hidden too deeply in the shadows. Suffering is suffering. There is a way to lighten your burden, no matter from where you are starting. And. There is an incredible deep richness hidden in our suffering, so I’ve discovered.
I’ve just spent time away from Everything in a MomEsteem fort. A special friend offered me her hideaway on on island where there was nothing but a community thriving in nature. No cars, no shoppes, no distractions. It was breathtakingly peaceful and magical.
For three days I shared time with myself. I followed the ups and downs of my emotions, wound my way through my tangled thoughts and each time I landed back at this quiet nook deep in my body where everything was profoundly quiet and still. I had moved beyond the thoughts, beyond the emotions to what lies behind the clouds. A blazing source of light. As Jennifer says, a fire in my belly.
I found it. After all these years of searching for that spot, I’ve discovered it hidden underneath everything.
How?
I am learning to Embrace Everything with mighty love, courage and compassion.
The good, the stinky, the annoying, the glorious, the excruciating -- I snuggle up to What Is.
That’s not to say I take the yucky stuff and get all gushy over it and accept it just the way it is. In fact, quite the opposite. Now, I see gloomy experiences as happening FOR me not TO me, as Byron Katie says. I breathe in the pain, vs numb it. I sit with it, I feel it. Then I look for the nuggets of goodness being offered to me and make decisions from that place, the warm, sun-shiny place.
Before, I would have avoided the yucky stuff at all costs. Feeling anxious and shameful about my negligence, I would have then taken the edge off by hiding in my work, usually with wine in hand. The problem with this, other than the obvious, was that I was also unable to feel the good things. I shut off my ability to feel anything. Snuffing out feelings suffocates the soul.
Feeling pain is, well, painful. That is why we, as a society, are completely caught up in a suffering / numbing cycle of insanity. Instead of tackling trouble, we use shopping, food, alcohol, Internet, work, sex, gossip, TV all in extremes just so we don’t have to face or feel the painful truth of what is. The self-help industry has grown into the billions while they battle with society and self messages that we are just not good enough as we are.
When I first stopped to feel, it was agonizing. I had to feel the pain of not loving myself fully. Feel the shame of not trusting myself, get face to face with the hurtful messages I fired at myself about everything. I had to fully see myself, how hurtful I had been to myself and others, how degrading, how disrespectful and utterly cruel and detached I was. How I blamed “out there” for “in here”. I was just not enough, not a good mom, friend, wife, daughter and the harsh judgements went on and on. Trying to figure out what was “wrong” with me, I did flips to gain acceptance and love, both from myself and everyone else. Seeing these thoughts, feeling these thoughts, at times, was unbearable. But I was able to see the insanity of them, I was able to let that old story go. But only when I saw and felt the story, could I let it go.
There were sobbing tears, chest pains, ringing ears and trouble breathing.
Good times. No wonder we hide from this place. What an awful place to visit, well at least for me it was.
Yet here I stand offering invitations to this land of anguish. Because magic happens here. Reality lives here. Shining the light on the dark spots opens up who we really are, not who we or others think we should be. Here, we are more than enough.
When I begin to see What Is vs hide from it, I am able to work with it. I am able to reach out, let go, give, receive. I am able to be authentically who I am and let all my parts come out to play. I can sink my teeth into the succulent, juicy pieces of life that become available through this opening. This is the feeling of being alive. This is living.
Feeling my pain relieves my suffering. The more I feel my pain, the less painful it feels. The more I ignore it, the worse it feels.
Clearly, this takes courageous daily practice and support. I am certainly no yogi. This is a completely unchartered, shaky and vulnerable landscape for me. I still hide, yes, but less. I am aware of when / how I hide and I can gently pull myself back to reality, to living.
When I first started down this path, I asked if people rode the Self-Esteem Roller Coaster. What I’ve discovered is that life is an awesome Roller Coaster, when we stop trying to control when it goes up, down and around. It can be an uphill battle, smooth sailing or throw loops that freak the hell out of us. We’re not in control of the Roller Coaster, we didn’t even design the thing. We just have to get in, let our arms go, lean into the corners and enjoy the freaking ride!
Wheeeee!
With love and deep gratitude for joining me on this wild ride...
xoxo
Michelle
PS: Knowing that living out of this place takes courage, practice and support, I will be joining with friends to create a new space for us to learn and practice compassionate, radical love for self and others. Stay tuned...the journey has just begun!
Image by: Jzeran
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About Mom Esteem Michelle Davies, the founder of EverythingMom, is on a 12 week Self-Esteem Journey with Life Coach, Jennifer Pernfuss. Mom Esteem was inspired by the Dove Movement for Self-Esteem. |
