Without You: A Mother Missing Her Mother

Dear Mama,

Did I mix up my “b” and “d” when I was first learning to read? I thought I remember you saying I had trouble with that and clearly I got over it, but Grandma said she doesn’t remember and I don’t know if I trust the teacher to catch little things like that. She’s so busy with bigger issues.

without-you-letter I finally gave in to the kids and tried to make cut-out cookies this year for Christmas. But we still can’t figure out your recipe for frosting (Rachel Ray’s is good, but not the same!) and I cried the whole time I was in the baking aisle at the grocery store. God love my husband, he gave me a hug and said the kids don’t know the difference between homemade and Betty Crocker—but I sure do.

The baby broke out in a rash the other day and I took him to the Doctor. Everyone keeps asking me if I’ve had chicken pox before. I don’t know. I thought I remember you saying that I’d had the mumps…or the measles…or you were talking about when you and your sibs got the chicken pox…I can’t remember. When people ask, I feel my throat choke up and my heart starts beating faster because I’m about to have to admit, out-loud, that you’re gone and I don’t really have anyone else to ask. They must think I’m crazy—who cries thinking about whether or not you’ve had the chicken pox?

I have discovered that certain things are only important to your mother. I mean, specifically, your mother. Grandmothers, aunts, family friends…they all remember certain things about you and your past. But only a mother’s heart locks away things like when you learned to tie your shoes, when you discovered that SweetTarts are your FAVORITE candy, and what kind of conditioner you used that always got the tangles out and smelled like clean clothes just out of the dryer. I know my sister got rashes after eating tomatoes, but did you use Dessitin? Was it my 6th or 7th birthday that you made that purple butterfly cake for me—and did you use a sheet cake or round cakes? I still haven’t been able to figure out who sings the “Hollywood” song that we listened too while housecleaning on Saturdays and I don’t remember when we started the Christmas Eve pj tradition, even though we’ve continued it with our kids. How old were we when you first let us decorate cut-out cookies, anyway?

Here I am three years later, with three little ones. I know who you were as a mother. I see who I’m becoming as a mother. Half the time I just don’t know why. It’s such a lonely feeling, knowing I’m now the family History-Keeper and I’m missing so many pages.

Love Always, Your Oldest Daughter

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About the Author

Christian wife and mother of three who works full time outside the home and full time inside the home!

Posted by Jamie Oliver in intimacy on April 07, 2010

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Comments

+1 # CA 2010-04-07 16:17

I think we take our own moms for granted sometimes. I don't think we really understand what sort of impact they make on our lives and our own role as a mom until they are gone.

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+1 # Linda G 2010-04-08 17:43

What a truly heartfelt story and so true. As Mom's we hold on to all kinds of historic information and we always think we will have that special someone to ask when we don't remember. I know that you will continue to build a wonderful life with your three kids all te while making sure they understand where you came form. Great story!

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0 # Melissa M 2010-04-08 17:57

Brought a tear to my eyes. Wonderful letter to your Mom. I know she is looking down smiling on you all. Big hugs!

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0 # Stephanie Wynkoop 2010-04-09 02:24

Your mother and father I am sure without a doubt are very proud of the woman, mother and wife that you have become. I am proud of you and I envy you. I love the story!

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0 # Beckie Conroy 2010-04-09 06:08

You took the words right out of my heart (especially the frosting part, we've had a couple teary cookie episodes).
Excellent job Sis. You make me proud. And I KNOW, they are too.

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0 # twohandsfull 2010-04-10 16:58

Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I still have my mother but I lost my father before my kids were born. I often think of him the same way. Thanks

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+1 # Annie P 2010-04-10 17:51

Jamie - My dear - reading your beautiful article not only pulls at my heartstrings not only for your sense of loss, but my own for my parents and my memories. Thank you for having the skill and courage to put it into words. Experiencing loss is bad enough, but to be able to write about it and share your feelings is a gift. I love you and I'm sure you have made them proud every minute of every day!!!

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0 # AllaC 2011-04-28 17:25

My Mom passed away 11 month ago. And I wrote letter just like yours about 3 month ago. And I feel that I have so much to say but I am all alone now. And when my son makes me laugh I want my Mom to see it. I want my Mom to share my expirience with me. I have so much to share. But it is all too late now.

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