Everything Loving

Can Women Have It All? Some Say, No Way.

Vered — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 19:04:07 +0000

Many of us were brought up to believe that we can “have it all” – that a woman can have a family AND a thriving career, and that the fact that we are women should never hold us back professionally.

These days, many moms – and some experts – are not so sure this is true. In a recent Forbes article, Dale Winston said that while a woman can climb up the corporate ladder, usually the home and the kids are still her responsibility. She, and not her male counterparts, needs to make compromises – whether working flexible hours, hiring a full time nanny or “sequencing” – taking time off after each kid is born.

Male executives are simply not faced with these tough decisions. They get to have a family and go on with their professional lives as usual, as if nothing has changed.

Then there’s the guilt. The intense guilt which all mothers who work outside the home – but few fathers – are familiar with. Of course, stay at home moms experience guilt too – they often feel guilty about not earning money and about “throwing their education away.”

Sounds like a lose-lose situation for women, doesn’t it?

The only real solution to women’s work-life balance issues is a major shift in cultural norms and expectations, so that mothers are not viewed anymore as being solely responsible for the house and for raising the kids – even if they are employed fulltime.

If our culture will eventually come to see both parents as equally responsible for raising the kids, I would venture a wild guess that we would then see a huge improvement in daycare services and in flextime arrangements in the workplace.

Until then, I have to agree with Dale Winston. “Life is about balance and compromise. No one can ever ‘have it all’.”

About the Author

Vered DeLeeuw fell in love with blogging in early 2008, when she started her personal blog, MomGrind. She has been blogging ever since, on her own blog and for various clients. Vered writes about a wide range of topics, including high tech, real estate, marketing and self improvement, but the topics she enjoys the most are related to women’s issues. Vered lives with her husband and two children in San Francisco, California.

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Expectations in Marriage

Dionna Sanchez — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 09:33:33 +0000

Marriage is tough. It’s tough to keep communication open and vulnerable. It’s tough to keep the romantic fire “lit.” It’s tough to carve out quality time together and to prioritize one another’s needs. But it becomes even tougher when one or both parties come into the marriage relationship with prior expectations.

There are many reasons why we might have preconceived expectations of our spouses. Maybe we envisioned the relationship more in a fairytale-like manner because of what books, TV, and movies show us love is about. Or maybe we grew up in a home where we were treated in a certain manner, and so we expect our spouse to treat us in the same manner. Maybe, just maybe, prior relationships – whether dating, marital, or sexual have caused us to have preconceived expectations of our spouse.

It’s not fair to anyone to try and conform someone else. It’s not fair to push and pull on someone trying to get them to be who we want them to be. It’s not right and it will only harm our marriages.

When expectations are brought into the marriage relationship, it can cause a lot of pain and heartache. It causes pain to the person with the expectations because they are lost – not understanding why the other person isn’t in agreement. It causes pain to the person the expectations are required from, because they feel as if they have done nothing wrong and just want to be accepted and loved for who they are.

I think it’s important to understand that there is always room for compromise. But when that’s not possible, (or likely,) both parties need to love one another enough to lay the issue at the Lord’s feet in order for their marriage to continue to be able to thrive.

Nothing is so important that it should dissolve an otherwise healthy and loving marriage relationship because most of the issues and expectations involve pride on our own part. And if they don’t, then we don’t need to despair. We can still believe in the possibilities of our future and pray that either God will change our heart and help us accept where we are, or that He will flourish and bless our desires and intent in marriage by trumping them with something far better.

There are certain expectations that are God-honoring such as respect, gentleness, kindness, honesty, faithfulness, etc. But when the expectations we bring into married life involve other issues – we need to really evaluate our hearts and decide what is more important; our wishes or a happy, thriving marriage relationship?

About the Author

Dionna Sanchez is the Founder of the EmphasisOnMoms.com ministry. Sign up for her free monthly newsletter for moms or visit her blog.

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Matrimony and Motherhood

Amy Marshall — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 19:26:33 +0000

Bringing a newborn baby home may very well be the most meaningful moment that a husband and wife share. And then, the meaningful moment passes and a flurry of activity and excitement associated with welcoming baby home ensues. Shortly thereafter many husbands and wives are surprised to learn that they are ill prepared for the ways in which becoming parents influences and ultimately changes their marriage.

If you want to know the truth, the transition to parenthood can be one of the most challenging experiences that young couples endure together. Having said that, there are many simple strategies that couples can practice to manage matrimony harmoniously when baby makes three. Here are a few suggestions:

Find comfort in commonality. Many many couples experience marital strain after bringing baby home. The transition to parenthood is challenging for married couples for myriad reasons all of which are valid and legitimate. In most other times of crisis we find comfort in knowing that we are not alone in our struggles. The same goes for new parents. So, don’t doubt for a moment that others are experiencing marital strain during their own transition to parenthood. They are and in many cases it is simply part of the journey.
Curb your expectations of yourself and your spouse. Those of us inclined towards perfectionism can have a particularly difficult time transitioning to motherhood because it becomes nearly impossible to live up to our own standards of neat, balanced, tidy, orderly living. I daresay the transition may be even more difficult for those husbands who were brave enough to marry said perfectionists. These husbands also have a difficult time meeting our standards when there is suddenly so very much to do and so little time to get it done. Give yourself and your spouse a break. Period.
Work as a team. From time to time, parenthood invites us all to slip into the behaviour of tallying up the workload and all of the ways in which it has become unfairly unbalanced. It was during one of these slip-ups that my husband poignantly reminded me, “we’re on the same team here.” Powerful words to live by!
Talk about ‘we’ more than ‘me’. There is a lot of literature to support the notion that ‘me time’ is a necessity for moms during the early parenting years. For new moms 30 minutes of solitude is pure bliss and I fully endorse the value of ‘me time’. I also have no doubt that healthy marriages require a similar kind of restorative ‘we-time’ on a regular basis. In addition to finding moments of solitude, couples must also endeavor to find moments of ‘we time’ so as to foster connection.
Investigate opportunities to attend local marriage education seminars or workshops to boost your knowledge about behaviours, skills, and mindsets that cultivate happy marriages post baby carriage.

About the Author

Amy Marshall RN MN and mom of two, is founder of The Relationship Resource. She offers marriage-strengthening education and consultation services to expectant couples and couples who are parenting young children. Amy believes that strong marriages serve as the foundation for families that experience resilience, health, and happiness. She also recognizes that more than two thirds of couples experience significant struggles with the transition to parenthood. Thus, she endeavors to assist couples to navigate the transition to parenthood with research-based solutions and practical relational savvy.

Her Profile | Her Main Site | Follow Her on Twitter

True Love in Times of Need and Tragedy

Dionna Sanchez — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 22:35:05 +0000

My grandpa didn’t have much time left. He had been diagnosed with leukemia shortly after his 90th birthday.

I remember the time well. It was so emotional for all of us and many of his grandchildren (including me) flew or drove from out of state to be by his side.

I remember hearing him talk about how overwhelming it was. In a good way of course, but he was amazed that we had all dropped whatever was going on in our lives to be with him. He told me one evening that he knew it was a hardship to be there. What I told him in return, I felt emphatically and passionately about – still do.

I told my grandpa that it wasn’t a hardship to be there for him and with him. Yes, I had to cancel some things. Yes, my schedule was rearranged. Yes, it was a 9hr drive. But you see, none of that mattered – not really. It was all trivial stuff. I could reschedule a hair appt and I could get that new kitten next month. But my grandpa may not be around if I waited.

I told my grandpa that it wasn’t a hardship to be there. It was love. I told him I WANTED to be there! And I so passionately felt that way. There was nowhere else in the world I wanted to be and nothing else I wanted to do more than to drop everything and be there with him. You see, that’s what love does. Love does the hard stuff. It wants to.

Losing a loved one is hard. It’s tough. You cry. But it’s not miserable. You cry and you drop things at a moment’s notice; you rearrange your schedule because you WANT to. And if you’re denied the opportunity to run to someone’s side, to help them out, to love on them – well, then sometimes you can be denied a blessing – a right you have, to express your heart towards that individual.

I see so many people who don’t want to be a burden on someone else. They don’t want to ask for help. But sometimes we need to remember that if someone truly loves us, it’s an honor on their part to be let in to the recesses of our heart and lives and to be allowed to enter in and come alongside us to help. That’s exactly how I felt and exactly what I was trying to explain to my grandpa.

Love does the hard stuff because it wants to. That’s what love is about. Going through ALL of life together – the good, the bad, the joyful, and the painful. It’s doing life together. Let those who love you in during those times. Not only will they be blessed; you will as well.

Dionna Sanchez loves her family with all her heart and would do anything for them. She also loves women and shares her heart openly and vulnerably through her blog – http://beautyinthestorm.blogspot.com

Married with Kids: The Futile Façade

Amy Marshall — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 20:21:44 +0000

While over two thirds of couples experience profound marital disillusionment after the arrival of their first baby (Gottman & Gottman, 2007), it seems that marital distress is too taboo to talk about in most social circles. Two thirds of couples struggle in their marriages and next to no one talks about it. How did we get into this mess? A recent episode of the televised drama Desperate Housewives began with a dinner party scene that was at once intimate and disquieting. Two couples appeared to be relishing in the comfort of candlelight, quiet music, exquisite cuisine, and good conversation. The lovely evening went south the very moment the conversation settled on the personal topic of the flawed marriages of both the hosts and the guests. The ubiquitous narrator admonished, “if you want to throw a successful dinner party there are certain rules that must be followed… the number one rule for a successful dinner party: keep discussion of your marriage to an absolute minimum!”

While this ‘rule’ may serve to keep soiree conversation superficially pleasant, it contributes to the needless shame that many couples experience when marital bliss turns to marital disillusionment following the transition to parenthood. Societal norms dictate that we portray our marriages as the epitome of contented happiness regardless of the fact that marriage-after-baby-carriage always involves exhaustion and often involves arguments about fair division of labour at the expense of romance, connection, and intimacy. When not permitted to speak a word of their marital woes, couples are left with the unappealing option of sacrificing honesty and authenticity so as to create the façade of a thriving marriage. Consequently, many couples struggle through the early parenting years thinking that all other couples are infinitely happier in their marriages.

What can we do to help each other? Perhaps the next time you are in the company of close friends and you pick up on even the slightest hint of marriage distress, resist the urge to change the topic at breakneck speed, and ask, “how could we be helpful?” Or, honestly share something from your own personal experience of being married with kids “we’ve struggled with that too…” And, should you find yourself, experiencing marital strain, resist the tendency to keep all of the suffering to yourself. Know that others have been there too and reach out with questions about lessons learned, “If you had just one piece of advice for us, what would it be?” As a community of moms, we have a huge capacity to be helpful to each other. We are at times, quite ingenious at easing the strain in other areas of our lives—car pools, community meal preparation, play-dates, and cookie exchanges. How can we put our heads together to tackle this unspoken challenge of keeping conversation about marriages real? Perhaps the true measure of a dinner party’s success lies not in the extent to which rules are followed but in the extent to which guests are able to be authentic in their commiserating and collaborating. When perpetuating a façade for the sake of saving others a moment of awkwardness, couples deprive themselves of opportunities to lean on others for support; to benefit from learning that they are not alone in their struggles; and to collaborate about solutions for strengthening marital relationships. The façade in a word is, futile.

About the Author

Amy Marshall RN MN and mom of two, is founder of The Relationship Resource. She offers marriage-strengthening education and consultation services to expectant couples and couples who are parenting young children. Amy believes that strong marriages serve as the foundation for families that experience resilience, health, and happiness. She also recognizes that more than two thirds of couples experience significant struggles with the transition to parenthood. Thus, she endeavors to assist couples to navigate the transition to parenthood with research-based solutions and practical relational savvy.

Her Profile | Her Main Site | Follow Her on Twitter