A Mom's Child Custody Pain

Despair. Personally devastated. Alone, without hope. An empty shell.

Ask a mother who has lost custody how she really feels and the above list would illustrate some of the tragedy in her heart. Not all moms who loose custody are drug-ridden women of loose morals who don't care about their offspring. Many are decent people who don't have the money, time or the ability to successfully battle such a turn. Some are mothers of teens who want to get to know their dad or are looking forward to a life of less rules. (Visiting parents usually aren't in the position to be as strict, kids often think that's how it will permanently be. Many times, they're correct.) Some are re-married and their jealous ex's can't stand the happiness they see in their former wife, and more often than not, in their children. They demonize the step-dad and make the children feel guilt for their disloyal affection towards “Daddy's replacement”. On rare occasion, Mom's career gets in the way. She puts feeding her kids in front of being with her family. She thinks that she's providing for them, and now they're gone.

No matter the reason, it hurts. There's more to it that the pain of the loss. Humiliation goes along with it. Even though we intellectually know the courts are supposed to take the gender of the parent out of consideration, we can't help but think there has got to be something severely wrong with a mom when the dad is awarded custody.

Whether this is true or not is irrelevant. She is still the one getting questioned about her childrens' where-abouts at the grocery store. She is the one who no longer can get her daughter's best friend to stay the night. (That child's schedule has become so full on first, third and fifth weekends...) Now Mom is the one who has to pay child support when there's a good chance that by single-parenting and fighting the custody battle her financial safety net has already been raided leaving her bare. Now she has to pay significant amounts of what little she has to the person who took her children away. Not many things could be more painful. These women are in mourning. Their heartache often grows as hopes to reconnect their children to their home becomes slimmer and slimmer.

She knows that only a major breakdown will turn her children back, yet she is unable to help herself from continuing to raise them, making it easier for them, even at her own peril. There is no joy for this mom at family gatherings and weddings as she no longer gets credit for helping her children find success. She's just an outcast at her own party, unable to leave in fear of ruining her child's big day, bearing the dirty looks and hushed whispers.

Even she can doubt who she is; her children's mother. She now understands why so many dads drop out of the picture. She wonders if her children would be better off never knowing her anymore since every visit brings on a new burn, painful and harsh; one that she hopes they understand but don't feel since her love for them is still greater than anything else she's ever known.

About the Author Managing Partner and Editor-in-Chief at one of the best social networking and lifestyle sites for moms, EverythingMom.com. Trying to balance life at home with my 3 kids (all under 8), while building my business, working at EverythingMom.com and developing my writing. Oh and throw a load of laundry in and a dinner that isn't burnt. Wasn't working from home suppose to be easier? Posted by Carrie Anne in dynamics on August 17, 2010 More from this author  |  Author Website Follow Carrie Anne on:  |  |  |

Comments  

 

+1 # Just another mom 2010-08-17 05:09

The look on that Mom's face just about says it all. I guess she must feel like that all of the time.

Reply | Reply with quote | Quote

 

 

-1 # AmandaLynn10152 2011-02-22 03:05

Just wanted to make a statement, if a father were in this exact same situation we would skimpily tell him to deal with and be a father. Doesn't kit apply to both sides? Sure a mother feel sad broke and worthless but what makes that any different when a father loses a custody case? Nothing. We want equal rights as women but that also comes with equal responsibility we aren't always going to get what we want. That’s just life. Enjoy the time you have with your children and try not to dwell on the circumstances because before you know it they will be grown.

Reply | Reply with quote | Quote

 

 

+1 # CFH 2011-05-17 01:37

Just wanted to say that this is only one of the many scenarios where mothers are drained and discarded. That is the fate of mothers in our soulless society - we are commodities, not people. My child behaved this way while still living at home. I did have a breakdown and she despised me for it. Sorry AmandaLynn, but your idea of gender equality is fantasy. Women are the mules turning the stage-set of this world.

Reply | Reply with quote | Quote

 

Refresh comments list
RSS feed for comments to this post

Add comment

Name (required)

E-mail (required, but will not display)

Website

Notify me of follow-up comments

Refresh

Send

Cancel

JComments