September » 2010 » DrTrina's Blog

There was a pregnant pause over the phone line and then a confused, “Sex once a week…? That’s the challenge?” With a deep sigh, I had to admit that even to my own ears it sounded pretty lame.

How could I explain to my (childless) friend that taking a shower once a week was an exercise in time management gymnastics—and a much higher priority than sex?

“So, um, yes. Sex once a week. That’s the challenge,” I replied, desperate to not feel sexually inadequate.

At the same time feeling a pang of anger that there’s so much pressure to have sex, be sexy and sexual. All that pressure is such a turn off to sex.

Besides, the whole idea behind the Six Month Sex Challenge* wasn’t to prove that I could have wild, crazy sex every single day after baby—which, quite frankly, I’m not sure I could. Doing that kind of challenge would only serve to make every other couple with a small baby feel inadequate about their own sex life.

No, I did this challenge to get my sex life back on track and show couples what a healthy and realistic sex life can look like after baby is born.

I’ll be quite honest, there were weeks that the only reason I had sex was to fulfill the challenge. Many, many weeks it was a precarious balancing act of figuring out a time, getting kids to sleep, trying to get in the mood.

But one thing I know for sure. It was worth every second. Not just because of the sex. I was forced to think about how my sex life was going to be. I had to think of exciting things to do. I had to look for times to have sex. I initiated sex (not like that was a big deal…but even so).

Six months after my child was born and my husband and I had a solid sex life. Notice I didn’t say perfect sex life. It’s not perfect. Nor do I expect it ever will be perfect. But we are connected as a couple and are in a healthy space to make sex work.

And for me that’s the holy grail of a long term relationship: to have hope that sex will be an important aspect of your relationship now and twenty years from now.

That’s what I hope for you with my new website Have Sex After Kids.com.

For you to figure out in your own relationship how to have a realistic and happy sex life that works for you.

*Six Month Sex Challenge
For six months after my second son was born, I attempted to have sex at least once a week with my husband…and then I blogged about it. Go to Trina Read.com to read what happened.

Question: I love my partner but don’t feel the ‘chemistry’ we once had. What can I do?

Dr. Trina’s response
Here’s four ideas to get you started:
(1) Figure out what/ who the top five priorities are in your life.  Is your partner one of them?  Do your actions follow through on your words?
(2) Rate how easy or hard it is to communicate with difficult topics like sex, or what is bugging you.  If it is hard, begin to work through your inability to communicate.
(3) Always think of your partner in positive terms—there was a reason you decided to couple with them.  Focus on what is good, instead of what is wrong or they might go and seek approval from other sources.
(4) Spend a minimum one hour per week of one-on-one time.

Watch for Dr. Trina’s new website, Have Sex After Kids.com launching September 20th.

Dr. Petra Boynton is a sex educator out of the U.K. In this blog she disputes the idea that an inability to orgasm is due to solely to a woman’s genetics.

What I believe is important about her article is: pharmaceutical companies are campaigning hard—multimillions campaigns, paid experts and therapist backing this idea—to have this type of ‘dysfunction’ recognized as real. That way, when (or should I say if) these companies ever come up with a ‘magic pill’ to help women with their sexual dysfunctions (i.e. their lack of sexual desire), it will be a big, big, big seller. Just like Viagra.

What I’m trying to say is: buyer beware. Educate yourself before you buy into what the press is trying to feed to you. Because most of it is inaccurate. Click here to read this article.

Women, orgasms and genetics
By Dr. Petra Boynton. Published: 8 June, 2005

Today the world of sexology, particularly those working in the area of sexual dysfunction got a little upset.

That’s putting it mildly. Actually they were very angry about the latest study supposedly proving women’s orgasmic problems are genetic.

The research by a team of UK scientists was published in Biology Letters and studied identical and non-identical twins, and claimed the ability to orgasm has a genetic and evolutionary basis.

And the press went wild!

Hundreds of radio and television shows, newspapers and websites ran the story stating women’s orgasmic dysfunction is all down to genetics (it isn’t). You can’t get pickup on stories about sexual confidence, clitoral stimulation or communicating your desires to your partner. But mix in the key terms ‘genetics’, ‘biology’, ‘evolution’ and ‘orgasm’ and you can’t move for coverage. Most media outlets didn’t read the original research, which is probably why they didn’t pick up on the key flaws within the work.
What was so wrong with the study?

Click here to read the rest of her article.

It was a lovely, warm evening, so my husband and I took the kids for a walk around the neighborhood. It was one of those rare, ‘being present, in the moment’ delicious couple times where we chatted while lightly touching each other. Really, really nice.

Then as we passed by a house, a loud scream ripped us from our lovey-dovey reverie. Confused at first, it became apparent—to me—that the ‘scream’ was a woman having very energetic sex.

Giggling, I looked at my husband who also looked confused—which made me laugh even harder. As the realization of what was going on came over him, I witnessed a myriad of emotions. First amusement, then embarrassment and then sadness.

My giggles turned into a half-hearted nervous titter. We hadn’t had that kind of loud sex for a very, very long time. Not knowing what to say, I said as much to him.

“I don’t think we ever had loud sex,” he countered.

Flashbacks of noisy and uninhibited sex—at least noisy and uninhibited for me—where our bedroom window was open and I didn’t care if our harmless but slightly creepy neighbor could hear what was going on.

Defensively I chirped in, “You have such a selective memory.”

Realizing he had made a major faux pas that might cost him sex this week, he backed up and countered with, “Well, we were never had sex that loud.”

I backed down too. It was a mute point to fight about rambunctious sex since we both knew we wouldn’t be having some anytime soon.

Trying to lighten the mood I offered, “I did a radio interview where the announcer confided on air, ‘I once had sex with a really loud woman and during the sex I thought, ‘I’m good…but I’m not that good.’”

My husband (thankfully) laughed and added in his analytical fashion, “Yes, the level of noise has to be the same by both participants. Otherwise, the person’s who’s making less noise starts gets distracted.”

I couldn’t help but wonder when or if the days of loud sex were over for us. We used to have sex during afternoon naps but now my toddler has grown out of taking them.

As hope springs eternal, I sometimes daydream that maybe, just maybe this year we can take a parent’s only holiday. Hotel sex is supposed to be loud.