May » 2010 » DrTrina's Blog

Six Month Sex Challenge: Week #25: What I’ve learned about sex after baby in the last six months.

Lesson I learned from last week: I can confidently prance around the house in lingerie…it just needs to be tame lingerie for now. It’s the prancing around the house part that’s important.

Well this is the end of my Six Month Sex Challenge
It’s been six months since I’ve started this sex journey. My, my how time flies when you’re trying to raise two kids, work and have sex.

In a rare quiet moment, it hit me just how much has happened—from positive to negative. Flashes ranging from being so exhausted I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind; to being incredibly happy that I was making efforts; to fights over sex (god!); to extremely tender moments.

The last six months have truly has been a roller coaster ride. And I’ve learned a lot about sex after baby. Why it is just so darn difficult to have. And why it’s important to make the effort.

Here’s the twenty things I’ve learned about having sex after baby
(1)    Having a decent sex life is work and takes effort. The days of spontaneous sex are over…at least for the next eighteen years.
(2)    For at least the first six months, it probably won’t be the best sex of your life…or even close…
(3)    There will be fights over sex, even if you’re having sex.
(4)    Whatever couple challenges you didn’t resolve before baby, will ultimately be magnified once baby arrives…and it will affect a woman’s will, want and desire for sex.
(5)    Sex is so much more than having intercourse. And in fact, at this juncture there is too much emphasis on sex rather than intimacy.
(6)    You need to get into the habit, or at the very least communicate about sex early. The longer you leave it, the longer it will sit between the two of you like the big white elephant in the room.
(7)    Unless you look for time to spend with your partner (whether you are having sex or not), it won’t happen.
(8)    Finding a mutually agreed upon time—some might call this scheduled sex—like baby’s nap time is the best way to make sure sex happens.
(9)    Ladies, you have to think like a man when it comes to sex: that is you’ve got to have sex on your terms and not feel guilty taking what you want.
(10)    Which means you have to figure out what you want out of the sexual experience—generally it’s about being nurtured—and communicate that to your partner.
(11)    When the sex is all about what you want, it will reenergize you.
(12)    Having sex is not static (i.e. once a week); rather a constantly evolving entity that needs to be nurtured and respected as much as your new baby’s evolution.
(13)    There will never be a perfect time to have sex.
(14)    Therefore, you need to have ‘despite’ sex. Despite everything that’s going on, you’ll make an effort to make time for each other.
(15)    It’s important to mix things up and bring new ideas in.
(16)    All your creative energy can’t go into your kids. Some of it has to be reserved for your partnership.
(17)    You can’t let excuses get in the way. It’s way too easy to say, “I’m tired” because you genuinely are tired. Soon though it may turn into an excuse you automatically use without thinking.
(18)    Be careful to not consistently have five minute quickie/ ‘maintenance sex’.
(19)    Sometimes sex will energize you and you will remember why it’s fun to have.
(20)    It’s probably the only time you’re going to be close, so enjoy and make the most of your time together.

My next book
So of course I had to take all of this hard work and put it into a book which will, hopefully, be called Sex After Baby. I’m always looking for insights from real moms on their journey to have sex after baby. Please let me know your thoughts and you (anonymously) might be included in my book.

So this is it…for a little while
In the fall, my next blog series will be “What a girl wants” where I go in search of what can help a woman feel sensual. Please read my lips—this is not sexual, rather sensual. I feel the more a woman can get in touch with her sensual side, the easier it will be for her to turn on her natural sexual and erotic self.

Can’t wait to start trying all the things that can help me feel sensual. Oh la la! See you then.

Six Month Sex Challenge—Week #24—Found some lingerie that I like and want to wear…woohoo!

Lesson I learned from last week— The having a baby chapter is officially closed. Ovulation sex wasn’t all that exciting anyways…don’t know why I’m sad about this.

Lingerie Part II
I once heard super model Tyra Banks explain she models lingerie differently for men (Maxim magazine), and women (Victoria Secret catalogue). She then demonstrated and it seemed quite subtle watching her move from pose to pose. I wondered if it really did make a difference.

That is until I was approached by an on-line lingerie retailer. He generously offered to ship some of his wares. As things didn’t quite work out in Week #10, I thought I’d give the lingerie thing another go.

My gut reaction when I went onto the site Sexy Lingerie Shop.com was mixed. I tried to ignore as my stomach clenched looking at the extremely sexy, somewhat risqué clothes.

“Well self,” giving myself a pep talk, “It’s time to buck up, be brave and get out of my mommy comfort zone.”

I sent the link to my husband and asked him to pick out of few items. I received an enthusiastic email back with a list—yes a list—of potential items he might want like to see me in.

Could it be the pose that turns me off?
I took a look at his list all and although they were fairly (?!?!!?) tame, my stomach still felt queasy. I tried to envision myself confidently traipsing into a room dominatrix-style and showing myself off to my husband. Appreciating it would be fantasy-come-true for him.

Yet, I just couldn’t do it.

Which left me lingerie’less with an eager husband. As a truce I said to him the next day, “Why don’t we go shopping for something?”

The shopping trip
We put the kids in the car and took off. We went to a couple of stores before we found a store that suited us both.

It was really sweet. My husband explained as he picked something, “It’s not just for a special occasion, to wear and reveal for ten minutes. I want you to have something you will feel comfortable wearing around the house. That way I can see you looking nice more often.”

When I put it on the camisole and short set, I really like how it cut me. The soft green color was flattering against my neon pale skin. I felt girly and could envision myself confidently wearing it into a room and showing it off to my husband.

It’s no where near the sexy lingerie that he initially picked out. Maybe one day I’ll get back the courage to wear the more risqué stuff. But right now, seven months after giving birth, I feel sexy in this…and, ultimately, that’s what really matters.

Six Month Sex Challenge: Week #23— We had sex twice this week, probably because I was ovulating. Feel so pitiful bragging about having sex twice in one week.

Lesson I learned last week: Being a little selfish can only help a new mom feel erotic.

Ovulation sex
“Hurry up! I have to leave to catch my plane in an hour,” I said while frantically pulling my husband to the bedroom. Our one-year old was unsupervised for a total of five minutes while we did the deed. Nine months later we got our second son.

Up until that point for seven years, every ovulation would bring ‘ovulation sex’. Probably the most unsexy sex a couple can have. The mom completely and utterly focused on procreation and the guy feeling like a sperm donor.

So when I started ovulating again…
I started ovulating again this week. My knee jerk reaction while sitting on the toilet and discovering the stretchy mucus between my fingers, was to run out of the bathroom pulling my pants up, while shouting to my husband who was almost out the door to work, “OMG. Quick we need to have sex. NOW!”

I stopped mid-stride after seeing a confused look cross over his face. We’ve decided that two kids are enough. (Actually it’s my decision, my husband would like another.) After my last pregnancy it’s obvious to me why 40 year olds shouldn’t push the fertility boundaries.

Yet it was only a few days until Mother’s Day and I was wistful. My two little boys are simply perfection. It’s in those moments of sentimentality—where I block out the pregnancy bit—I can’t help but wonder what a third little kid would be like.

We had sex twice this week!!!!!!
Maybe that’s why we had sex twice this week. I’m not bragging. Okay maybe just a little bit. It really feels like a milestone.

Sadly, I remember when having sex twice in less than an hour was bragging rights. I can’t help but wonder if we’ll ever again be at that place in our relationship where having sex twice in even an afternoon is still possible.

The one thing I’ve noticed
Since starting this Six Month Sex Challenge I’ve noticed the roller coaster of highs and lows my sex life (and relationship) have gone through. One week I’m gleefully having shower sex and the next sex is a no-go; or at the very least making sex work is just that, a lot of work.

Maybe this is why creating a decent sex life after baby is so difficult. The transition to the new sex rhythm is about as smooth as crunchy peanut butter.

Six Month Sex Challenge: Week #22—The antithesis of erotic would have to be ‘new mom’. So how can a new mom feel erotic?

Lesson I learned from last week: Intimacy, sex and a relationship is in constant flux after a child is born—it’s easy to feel discouraged and give up on each other. It’s most important to trudge on and make big efforts to be a couple.

It’s not an urban legend
About ten years ago a colleague of mine told me about one of her clients. She was a full time mom with three small children. When her husband would walk through the door after a full day of work, she would hand over the kids, go upstairs and transform herself from mother into wife. This, she felt, was the reason she and her husband had an incredibly erotic sex life.

Ten years ago I was single and didn’t have a clue what a maverick this mommy was. The whole idea around being erotic is selfishly taking your own pleasure. And it’s the antithesis of what society expects moms to be: selfless.

Making it all about me
Since I’ve started this challenge, I dipped my big toe into making sex about what I want every other week. There’s been zero guilt—doing what I want to do is quintessential for my (and my husband’s) sexual happiness. And we’ve both had fun.

However, ‘transforming’ myself once my husband got home seemed to take this all-about-me thing to a whole new level. Doing a complete week seemed daunting, I decided to go with three days.

First night of transformation
It was pure coincidence that we had a date night with another couple. It’s easy to get in the mind set of transforming myself to go out on a date. And it was really fun…until I came home and it was a mad dash to get two tired kids into bed. No erotic feelings there.

Second night of transformation
My two ‘darling’ kids were terrors that day. By the time my husband walked through the door I was ready to have a big martini and even bigger cry.

I handed him the kids and proceeded to the bathroom. Turned on the fan to drown out the noises of the screaming (husband) children. Took my time in the shower—what a luxury—and gave myself a facemask, and a mini pedicure. My husband, the darling, made supper and fed the kids. Not yet at erotic but definitely getting warmer.

Third day of transformation
This was the only time I truly felt guilt. I booked an appointment to get some acupuncture—for no other reason than to make me happy. My mom came over to take care of the kids; something which I only rely on if I’m working. Never, never, never for my own pleasure…hence the reason for the guilt.

As soon as I walked into the Chinese Doctor’s room, I realized just how desperately I needed someone to take care of me. It was like being lifted out of a fog.  The next day I felt better than I have for a very long time.

The verdict on being selfish
And you know what? It felt really nice to be selfish. Being able to intentionally take care of me while my husband took care of everything else was an incredible revelation. Being able to be pampered was an incredible treat.

Did I feel erotic and sexy? Yes, yes, and yes. The following day we had the best sex since starting this challenge. Unbelievable how much these three days made a difference to my sex life. I will seriously look at making this happen again.

If you try this mommy/ wife transformation, please let me know what happens.