don't eat the paint

I can’t even remember when I started thinking about this post, my son’s sleep has gone from crappy to worse and while I get tired easily the late nights are actually pretty stimulating creatively for me. I think best in a dark room at 3am waiting for my son to fall back asleep while his sibling to be does flips in my uterus.  So I deal. It was on one of thee nights that I started thinking about blogging. For many people blogging is all about throwing oneself out there saying “take it or leave it world” and pressing publish.

That’s not true for me at all.

Many of my favorite blogs are just that, personal blogs written by writers that have talent oozing from their pores, the ability to write about complex issues in a consice way with little apparent effort and still make me cry reading it. That’s not me. I blog about glue and paper, about kids books and how to teach letters and basic concepts with creativity and play. I don’t blog about me, even here I don’t really. I am concious to keep things to myself, to maybe share as much as I would have with parents when I was teaching. It’s genuine, it’s me but it’s me for public consumption. It’s me but it’s not necessairly my opinions.

I am afraid to open up like that. I will share my experiences as a parent, I will share my frustration about a messy bathroom or about how much I loathe being pregnant but ask me to share deep rooted opinions about hot button issues  and I’ll clam up. I don’t want to piss anyone off.  I worry that I have worked too hard to build up my main blog , and it’s readership, to worry about risking it by throwing myself into boxes, labeling myself one thing or another politically, even though in real life I proudly say ” I am this, or I am against that.”

Something I have discovered about meeting people who blog as well as meeting people from message board communities is that many are quiet and reserved in person and very outspoken online. I am the opposite. I am pretty outgoing, never shy to share my thoughts, opinions or reasons for them - but my life online seems to have quieted my opinions, it hasn’t changed them , just shushed them to a whisper.

So I’ll blog about letter of the week, how to teach colors to your toddler and donate time and  money to the political causes that make me wish I could vote in the country I live in, whatever they may be.

Lots of changes are going on at our house, most notably that I’m expecting a baby in June.  My son pats my growing belly saying ” I love you baby” and insists it’s a little sister ( we haven’t found out the sex), overall seemingly adjusting well. He tells us things like ‘ Daddy can’t nurse the baby only mommy can.” and points out such fun things as ” Your boobs are ginormous mama! They are making milk!” All of this is endearing and warms my heart.

Then he pushes a toddler in nursery at church or a close family friend who is half his age all the way to the ground, and I flip out.

My son has never been aggressive, he sits back and if anything up until now we have worried about him being a doormat, having to be more assertive, make his opinion known and not wait for what’s left all the time at parties, music class and playdates.

Now I am not so sure.

The pushing started right around the time it was getting noticable and tangible to him that I was pregnant.  A push here or there wasn’t high on my radar, he got time out and a warning we’d leave wherever we were if it continued.  That took care of it.  Well it’s continued and it makes no sense, it seems unprovoked. I say seems because he’s 3 he could have a darn good reason in his head, I just haven’t decifered it yet and am not waiting to before consequences are put in effecr. We have now taken the warning away and when he pushes the playdate is over then and there,  we didn’t stay for cookies after church and yes the tears were plentiful. When we left the playdate on Friday we both cried all the way home.  I was so frustrated,  I am admittedly hormonal but I am also angry.

For the first time in his life I am angry at my son.

Sure I have been frustrated before but never have I felt angry at him and I am really angry about this.  I do not tolerate violence,  I have never tolerated it in any classroom and no way will I give y child the impression that behavior like this is no big deal. “Boys will be boys” is not something I have ever said, not will I .  So today at church I was walking out to get cookies when he told me that he was rude in nursery.

“Rude? What did you do?”

“I pushed a little boy, just a little.”

“We don’t push, let’s go talk to your teacher.”

Sure enough he had pushed, he didn’t knock the kid down but I had to be consistant. My anger was much better in check, no tears swelled this time, well he cried like crazy when I told him we weren’t staying for cookies and everyone was quite concerned until I explained why we weren’t staying.

It’s not OK.

Ever just had a hunch? Something in your gut said ” I need to say something? I need to DO something?” but didn’t?

That was me before I was a mom.

I was flying home from a blogging conference this fall and a very young mom was sitting in my row but many seats and an aisle over. As soon as she got on the plane ( which was leaving at 7:30pm) with her youg toddler I could tell she was all ready fried. Her son was in that over tired state that others see as energy but moms know better- he didn’t nap and there was little hope for sleep. It wasn’t long before she was struggling.

I leaned way over and mouthed to the man in his 40s sitting next to her ” Ask her if she needs help.”

That’s all it took.  He asked , she handed him the baby and chilled while the little man was passed all the way from her to me, and back again over the next 2 hours. We read books, he played with the gentleman next to me’s ipod, and she chilled.

See I flew with my son when he was 8 months old from Florida to San Francisco and the two ladies sitting next to me held him every minute of the trip with the exception of when he was nursing. I was so grateful. I had been sleep deprived for 5 days, since he didn’t adjust well to the time change or the hotel crib, I was much more exhausted than I looked. I needed someone to take him, just so I could breathe. I didn’t forget that.  So often we turn our music up, look the other way but when your gut tells you to intervene do it, you may get a middle finger pointed skyward at you but I doubt it.

… I just realize I need to tell you more.

I stopped cleaning the bathroom. Not all our bathrooms just our ensuite.  I was fed up. For some reason that toilet more than others just wouldn’t come clean and when I realized I never use it , I was pregnant and sick and sick of cleaning it. I didn’t scream or yell, I just stopped cleaning it.

It took a few weeks almost a month before my husband said anything to me. I swear men aren’t dirty they just don’t see dirt, or urine spots or dust. It may be genetic or perhaps it’s a conspiracy ” If we pretend not to notice they will just do the cleaning. So chaps everyone pretend! If we do it together we can pull it off!” <— that’s what I imagine the secret underground husband meeting involve.

“What’s up with the toilet?” That’s not an exact quote , I can’t remember exactly what he said. It wasn’t douchy in the least, I have been blessed in the husband department. Why I don’t know but I am not questioning , I am just grateful.  He still can’t see dirt until it’s practically crawling out of the sink and saying hello.

That was a few weeks ago.

Today I lost it. Not about the bathroom, I just lost it. I am pregnant and I am using that as an excuse. I whirled around our house sorting through piles, throwing crap out and getting angrier as I did.

After the mess was clean I crashed at nap time with my snuggle bug and slept, and slept- we slept for 3 hours.

And woke up to a clean master bathroom, a hug and this ” It’s probably not as clean as you can get it , but it’s clean. It didn’t make me appreciate you more, just made me realize I need to tell you I appreciate you more.”

Told you I was lucky.

** Oh and when I told him about this post before I posted it he said ” I did some laundry too.” Don’t  push it buddy.

There are a lot of things I promised myself I would do as a parent. Most of the promises I have kept . To breastfeed , to do what is right for my child not what magazines tell me to do, to laugh every day and never to think “I love this child” without saying it sincerely to him.  Another promise I made was to always answer his questions as honestly as possible, as sufficiently as I can .. I was not prepared for this one so soon!

I have explained where babies come from ” Mommies and Daddies make them .” Thankfully that was enough for him, for now.  I have explained why Cellos are lower than violins ” They are bigger so their sound is lower.”  The list is long and only sometimes do I have to google it. Did you know that camels will eat leather if there is no other food available? Leather! That I had to google.

But yesterday I was  laying with him, feeling my baby inside wiggle to their older brother’s voice talking about tigers and Chuck E. Cheese ” He’s not a real mouse, just a guy in a suit.”

Then Bam.

“Mommy  who is God?”

Immediately I ask him ” Who do you think God is?” but inside I am thinking , how the heck am I going to answer this when I don’t know.  I go to church, I sing, I pray and I teach Sunday School but I do not think there is a right , wrong or definitive answer to this question.

” I think god is a woman.”

“God is sorta like a mama, god created the world like I created you.” He’s three so I am putting things in his terms.

“No I think he’s a man.”

“Like an inventor who makes things!” We had just read a Berenstein Bears with an inventor in it. Trying to relate it to his world view.

“Maybe a Lady-Man” This just made me giggle. For weeks whenever my son sees a woman in a traditionally male job like construction, fire fighters and police officers, he calls them “lady mans” . This horrifies me and my very egalitarian beliefs.

The thought of god as a “Lady Man” sorta fits though. If you look at it through my son’s eyes. It’s a woman who is in a traditionally male dominated field. God is traditionally seen as a man, yet in many churches, ours included God is gender neutral and it’s up to us to decide how we conceive the image of the creator.

He dropped his question for now but opened my mind and heart to deciding exactly what I believe, or even if I have to decide.

It’s still easier when I can google it.

When this post was written about bloggers listing accomplishments and tooting their own horns I was not inclined to add to it. Horn tooting does not come naturally to me. When I am given a compliment my first reaction is to make some self deprecating comment to minimize the compliment and make people laugh. Learning simply to say “Thank You” has taken much coaching by my ever patient husband.

I am proud of myself for many things accomplished in 2009 and I am glad that this isn’t on camera interview, I would be stumbling, blushing and to top it off I have a massive cold sore that makes me look really gorgeous. So without stalling more than I already have here is my list!

Hold on I need to think of something.

1. Can I be honest my biggest accomplishment in 2009 has nothing to do with blogging. Watching my son go from 2-3 and all the positive changes and developments in his life has been a joy, finding such joy in these moments and not rushing through them has been my greatest accomplishment. I know that he won’t always be the center of my world but I am not afraid of the fact that right now he is. I don’t feel as though I have lost who I am one bit being so focused on being a parent. I am not embarrassed to say that hearing him say ” You are the best mama ever!” and ” I love family dates!” are more important to me than getting paid to write ( see #3) or feeling credible in my chosen piece of the blogosphere ( see #4).  I take great pride in being a mom and trying my hardest at it every day is my biggest accomplishment this year.

2.My main blog No Time For Flash Cards started 2009 with a few devoted followers and with 11 months of blogging under my belt just over 250k pageviews.  In 2009 I gained a much larger following and finished the year with over a million pageviews.  So that was my numbers accomplishment.

3.  In May I started blogging for FamilyEducation.com as a parent blogger. It’s a paid gig and it feels great to contribute financially to my family. I had a hard time adjusting to not having a paycheck and these aliviates some of my irrational feelings about not doing “enough”. It also justifies shoe buying. Other writing jobs for IttyBitty Bookworm, Parentella and Everything Mom have followed and fill me with the same pride - and closet with more shoes!

4.  This isn’t a single event , rather a series of people on twitter, emails from readers and links on other blogs/ sites. In the past year I have felt very noticed by those I want to notice me. No not the hotty garbage man, yes I swear I have a hot garbage man. Rather early childhood professionals, CEOs of companies like 360Kids, authors and bloggers that I respect . Having them show approval and joy for what I do has given me that boost that what I am doing is on track.  I crave approval from authority figures ( seriously it’s really something I should probably get medicated for) and feel wonderful for the nods I have gotten in 2009.

5. This should really be tied for #1 or at least be #1 b… the emails I got from readers in 2009 have been amazing. From a reader who made a craft daily with her daughter to send to her husband stationed in Iraq with photos of him with them plastered up proudly, to a mom who’s son’s speech therapy was aided by my silly song videos and countless thank yous from moms who didn’t know how to fill long days alone with their kids.  I started NTFFC with the hope to help other moms, that’s it so these emails keep me going, knowing that I am accomplishing what I set out to do.

So while i won a few awesome awards this year , created a sizable social media pressence and sat on some wonderful online panels, my accomplishments come down to my ability to do the things I love the most. Mother best I can and be a trusted  resource for as many families and children as possible.

Wait wait- one last one. I learnt how to properly spell definitely.  I always thought there was an a, no more red squiggle for that word!

2009 was toot worthy indeed!

My name is Allison and I am completely addicted to Bejewled 2 on Facebook.

It’s bad.

I sneak off to my room , ipod touch in hand , sink into my soft bed I rarely sleep in these days ( sick kid) and play a few 60 second games before jumping back into real life.

I blame my mother in law ( we can’t blame our own mothers for everything).  She’s pretty good and on facebook you play against eachother. When she beat me I couldn’t ignore it. I had to pass her . New years day when my son and husband were busily taking down the tree , I was taking down my mother in law one little gem and a time .

Trust me I know it’s pathetic.

I was elated when I beat her , I have a problem.

That is what my son asked me today as I broke down while he was trying to climb on me.

“Just stop!” I said, not loud but just with the right tone he took a breath, then I cried. I wasn’t crying because I was worried he was scared, I was crying because I was so frustrated that I am still nauseaus and exhausted and after two days of feeling great I thought I was in the clear.

How do I explain that to a 3 year old?

” I will give you hugs” and he strangles me which makes me more frustrated but warms my heart as well.

” I am so sorry bug” I say tears still streaming ” Mama just doesn’t feel good, I need Daddy to come home, I need to lay down.”

It’s 5:40 more than an hour still ahead before my husband will walk through the door. It feels like I will break again before he does, I ignore the clock.

“Come build a city with me mommy.”

” We can watch Max and Ruby” <— yes I suggested a show I really really hate hoping he’d want to watch and I would be able to lay down next to him.

“No let’s play.”

I cry some more. I can’t help it . I am so sick of feeling sick and I am exhausted. I need back up.

He starts getting close to tears. “What can I do?” he says on the verge.

My eyes dry, I get down on the floor and we build cities.

“Pass me that block bug”

I feel like crap but seeing him cry tells me he needs me more than I need to let it all out.

It’s no secret I am no fan of being pregnant but I hope for those who don’t know me know just how much I adore being a mom.  No one coercered me into my present state of nasuea, headaches and dwindling bladder control. It’s all my fault.

I do wish that media would play up the crappy parts of pregnancy and child birth through a little more, frankly misery loves company and I am looking for some company! It’s not that I want to rain on the parade of those woman who sail through pregnancy with no dry heaving while they dribble pee on their bathroom floor , or those that “don’t even look pregnant” until they are 8 months along , I just want to make it okay for those of us that feel and look like crap for 9 months to get some free reign to whine since we can’t drown our sorrows in real wine.

So if you are currently browsing cool online baby stores imagining  you with a radiant glow and a little belly, while you should be working - let me bring you back down to reality.

Here are some of the fun things from my two very different but both pretty unpleasant pregnancies- you’ll thank me later.

With my son I bled from implantation until 8 weeks, then again at 16 and 22 weeks. It was terrifying.  as it turned out it was just a sneaky yeast infection ( which many women are prone to in pregnancy ). Because it was tricky and simply staying around my cervix I never had the tell tale signs. 2 emergency room docs missed it, one resident actually looked at the nurse and said ” That’s the cervix right?” Dude I am a teacher and I could find my f’ing cervix.  Luckilly my regular doc figured it out and even better my insurance covered the trips to the ER.

With this little bean I am so naseasous I had to ask my mom to come and help.  That speaks volumes. I love my mom but loathe house guests, I need my space, I need my house and I even asked her to stay longer half way through. Even with meds I was simply un able to function.  I feel like I had the worst hangover and there was no frat party to “enjoy” the night before, or one before that… it’s just not letting up.

I am blessed my husband has no sense of smell.  See the hormones that are raging through my body right now are wreaking havoc on my digestion. It’s all but stopped and well you can imagine. It’s not pretty.

Many women complain about how often they have to pee, personally I am all for it. I get little slices of alone time 3 times an hour now. It’s awesome. Of course with my first pregnancy it was just annoying , now with a 3 year old I it’s like a mini trip to the spa.*

* Provided he stays playing and doesn’t decide that I need company , or worse a drum routine on the door while I pee.

Oh these are only the first few weeks worth of realities… sore backs, being stuck on the floor , leg cramps that wake you from a dead sleep, acne, Braxton Hicks, heartburn… well I’ll cover that on another day. Then after that it’s the coma of the first few weeks .

Here is the thing though- so many of us go through this, the majority of us don’t have those easy pregnancies, most of us have battle scars whether physical or emotional but the human race keeps procreating…

I was looking at my son yesterday while he ate mac and cheese out of the pot ( it was cool leftovers ) and I can’t imagine loving anyone as much as I love him. I can’t write in words the lengths I would go to for this child, but I also know that when all the gas, all the incontinence, all the vomiting is done I won’t have to section my heart for him and my new child, instead it will simply double in size.

So all this crap wouldn’t be worth going through for much but for  my capacity to love to be doubled - I’ll suck it up.

Bug,

Today you are 3. In the last year so much has changed, you have gone from a baby to a little boy and amazed your dad and I with your capacity to learn, your love of music, your liberal laughter and your sensitive and caring heart.

You have tested us with your tenacity, your desire to do it yourself, your inability to sleep through the night and your inexplicable desire to put your feet in the toilet.

You have been alive for 1095 days , it seems impossible it’s only been that long. I can’t remember what my life was like before you drove me crazy, or made me cry by saying ” Mama I love you most of all !”.  1089 days you have woken me up without an alarm clock, being the first thing I heard, thought of and saw each of those mornings , the other 6 you were my first thought even though I was far away.

I am so proud of the little man you are. The other day I took you to the “cupcake restaurant” ( local bakery)  to split a sandwich and side salad and you were so well behaved that an older lady sitting nearby stopped on her way out to tell me how fantastic you were. I blushed with pride, it wasn’t the first I have heard this from strangers but it made me proud to hear .

I want you to know I don’t care what you grow up to be, as long as you remember all the things I tell you every day.  Be kind , speak when you have something to say , listen when others are speaking, make your own choices and remember I love you most of all.

Happy Birthday Bug.