don't eat the paint

but every 2 years I am filled with pride and love for her while watching the Olympic Games.

My grandma was an amazing woman. You can’t really take my word for it because I never met her. She died years before I was born so when I say she never hugged me it’s not because she didn’t want to , it’s because she couldn’t. I feel as though I knew her though, I grew up sneaking into our basement, opening the 2 big trunks filled with her letters, photographs, old jerseys and my very favorite her Olympic silver medal. Decades later I can smell the woodsy scent that everything in those navy blue trunks had, the hours I would spend learning about this woman I can only imagine as a young athelete not a doting grandma.

She ran. She ran fast, she held world records in a time when the most women her age were getting married, having children and finding ways to deal with the great depression. Instead she was wearing a maple leaf and representing her country.

This week watching the Olympics has been like going to visit Grandma,  I can’t see an athelete bend down to get a medal without thinking, she did that.  I don’t have much of hers to hold on to, I have no memories yet I miss her like I do and seeing these atheletes put their heart and hard work on the line brings me closer to someoneI love and  I so wish I knew.

One thing every conference I have gone to has had in common is that I leave with at least one blister. That sad fact aside Blissdom was truely a fantastic conference.  Not only was it a great balance of experienced and new bloggers it was also filled with many people I haven’t met before, and for me conferences are more about connecting with people than it is about getting tips about how to be a better blogger.

Something I loved about this conference was that I was able to connect with some bloggers that blog about the same things I do, early education, crafts, and play! It was wonderful to be around 500 hundred women who blog , but even better to be around 6 others who in my dreams would share an elevator and staff lounge with me every day. I have collaborated with many of them before but sitting next to them, eating meals with them and generally just chilling doesn’t have a price tag!

The other thing I found amazing was that there were so many newer bloggers and I learned so much from them. Answering their eager questions was as valuable to me as I hope it was to them.  My convictions and passion was more clearly defined. I know I have been lucky enough to make money because of blogging but I also know that the fact that No Time For Flash Cards is not at all profitable is fine by me.  My purpose was clearly defined, I know my stregnths and weaknesses, and know my direction for now.

I love just talking to other bloggers, I love seeing how strong capable and wildly successful bloggers do what they do as much as the amateur ones still not sure of their path. I fit somewhere in the middle and love that I was moved equally by both the superstars and newbies. All the women here wowed me, I can’t think of one instance of negativity that made me widen my eyes and think ” She did NOT just say that?!”

I think the reason it was so “Blissful” wasn’t that people were specifically nice, or that it was luck of the draw, it was a professional group that acted like it.

I also can’t possibly leave out the women I met at other conferences that on Thursday night squeeled and hugged me as I squeeled and hugged them- in our world it doesn’t take long to become a squeel worthy friend and this wekend I made many many more!

I can’t even remember when I started thinking about this post, my son’s sleep has gone from crappy to worse and while I get tired easily the late nights are actually pretty stimulating creatively for me. I think best in a dark room at 3am waiting for my son to fall back asleep while his sibling to be does flips in my uterus.  So I deal. It was on one of thee nights that I started thinking about blogging. For many people blogging is all about throwing oneself out there saying “take it or leave it world” and pressing publish.

That’s not true for me at all.

Many of my favorite blogs are just that, personal blogs written by writers that have talent oozing from their pores, the ability to write about complex issues in a consice way with little apparent effort and still make me cry reading it. That’s not me. I blog about glue and paper, about kids books and how to teach letters and basic concepts with creativity and play. I don’t blog about me, even here I don’t really. I am concious to keep things to myself, to maybe share as much as I would have with parents when I was teaching. It’s genuine, it’s me but it’s me for public consumption. It’s me but it’s not necessairly my opinions.

I am afraid to open up like that. I will share my experiences as a parent, I will share my frustration about a messy bathroom or about how much I loathe being pregnant but ask me to share deep rooted opinions about hot button issues  and I’ll clam up. I don’t want to piss anyone off.  I worry that I have worked too hard to build up my main blog , and it’s readership, to worry about risking it by throwing myself into boxes, labeling myself one thing or another politically, even though in real life I proudly say ” I am this, or I am against that.”

Something I have discovered about meeting people who blog as well as meeting people from message board communities is that many are quiet and reserved in person and very outspoken online. I am the opposite. I am pretty outgoing, never shy to share my thoughts, opinions or reasons for them - but my life online seems to have quieted my opinions, it hasn’t changed them , just shushed them to a whisper.

So I’ll blog about letter of the week, how to teach colors to your toddler and donate time and  money to the political causes that make me wish I could vote in the country I live in, whatever they may be.

Lots of changes are going on at our house, most notably that I’m expecting a baby in June.  My son pats my growing belly saying ” I love you baby” and insists it’s a little sister ( we haven’t found out the sex), overall seemingly adjusting well. He tells us things like ‘ Daddy can’t nurse the baby only mommy can.” and points out such fun things as ” Your boobs are ginormous mama! They are making milk!” All of this is endearing and warms my heart.

Then he pushes a toddler in nursery at church or a close family friend who is half his age all the way to the ground, and I flip out.

My son has never been aggressive, he sits back and if anything up until now we have worried about him being a doormat, having to be more assertive, make his opinion known and not wait for what’s left all the time at parties, music class and playdates.

Now I am not so sure.

The pushing started right around the time it was getting noticable and tangible to him that I was pregnant.  A push here or there wasn’t high on my radar, he got time out and a warning we’d leave wherever we were if it continued.  That took care of it.  Well it’s continued and it makes no sense, it seems unprovoked. I say seems because he’s 3 he could have a darn good reason in his head, I just haven’t decifered it yet and am not waiting to before consequences are put in effecr. We have now taken the warning away and when he pushes the playdate is over then and there,  we didn’t stay for cookies after church and yes the tears were plentiful. When we left the playdate on Friday we both cried all the way home.  I was so frustrated,  I am admittedly hormonal but I am also angry.

For the first time in his life I am angry at my son.

Sure I have been frustrated before but never have I felt angry at him and I am really angry about this.  I do not tolerate violence,  I have never tolerated it in any classroom and no way will I give y child the impression that behavior like this is no big deal. “Boys will be boys” is not something I have ever said, not will I .  So today at church I was walking out to get cookies when he told me that he was rude in nursery.

“Rude? What did you do?”

“I pushed a little boy, just a little.”

“We don’t push, let’s go talk to your teacher.”

Sure enough he had pushed, he didn’t knock the kid down but I had to be consistant. My anger was much better in check, no tears swelled this time, well he cried like crazy when I told him we weren’t staying for cookies and everyone was quite concerned until I explained why we weren’t staying.

It’s not OK.

Ever just had a hunch? Something in your gut said ” I need to say something? I need to DO something?” but didn’t?

That was me before I was a mom.

I was flying home from a blogging conference this fall and a very young mom was sitting in my row but many seats and an aisle over. As soon as she got on the plane ( which was leaving at 7:30pm) with her youg toddler I could tell she was all ready fried. Her son was in that over tired state that others see as energy but moms know better- he didn’t nap and there was little hope for sleep. It wasn’t long before she was struggling.

I leaned way over and mouthed to the man in his 40s sitting next to her ” Ask her if she needs help.”

That’s all it took.  He asked , she handed him the baby and chilled while the little man was passed all the way from her to me, and back again over the next 2 hours. We read books, he played with the gentleman next to me’s ipod, and she chilled.

See I flew with my son when he was 8 months old from Florida to San Francisco and the two ladies sitting next to me held him every minute of the trip with the exception of when he was nursing. I was so grateful. I had been sleep deprived for 5 days, since he didn’t adjust well to the time change or the hotel crib, I was much more exhausted than I looked. I needed someone to take him, just so I could breathe. I didn’t forget that.  So often we turn our music up, look the other way but when your gut tells you to intervene do it, you may get a middle finger pointed skyward at you but I doubt it.

… I just realize I need to tell you more.

I stopped cleaning the bathroom. Not all our bathrooms just our ensuite.  I was fed up. For some reason that toilet more than others just wouldn’t come clean and when I realized I never use it , I was pregnant and sick and sick of cleaning it. I didn’t scream or yell, I just stopped cleaning it.

It took a few weeks almost a month before my husband said anything to me. I swear men aren’t dirty they just don’t see dirt, or urine spots or dust. It may be genetic or perhaps it’s a conspiracy ” If we pretend not to notice they will just do the cleaning. So chaps everyone pretend! If we do it together we can pull it off!” <— that’s what I imagine the secret underground husband meeting involve.

“What’s up with the toilet?” That’s not an exact quote , I can’t remember exactly what he said. It wasn’t douchy in the least, I have been blessed in the husband department. Why I don’t know but I am not questioning , I am just grateful.  He still can’t see dirt until it’s practically crawling out of the sink and saying hello.

That was a few weeks ago.

Today I lost it. Not about the bathroom, I just lost it. I am pregnant and I am using that as an excuse. I whirled around our house sorting through piles, throwing crap out and getting angrier as I did.

After the mess was clean I crashed at nap time with my snuggle bug and slept, and slept- we slept for 3 hours.

And woke up to a clean master bathroom, a hug and this ” It’s probably not as clean as you can get it , but it’s clean. It didn’t make me appreciate you more, just made me realize I need to tell you I appreciate you more.”

Told you I was lucky.

** Oh and when I told him about this post before I posted it he said ” I did some laundry too.” Don’t  push it buddy.

There are a lot of things I promised myself I would do as a parent. Most of the promises I have kept . To breastfeed , to do what is right for my child not what magazines tell me to do, to laugh every day and never to think “I love this child” without saying it sincerely to him.  Another promise I made was to always answer his questions as honestly as possible, as sufficiently as I can .. I was not prepared for this one so soon!

I have explained where babies come from ” Mommies and Daddies make them .” Thankfully that was enough for him, for now.  I have explained why Cellos are lower than violins ” They are bigger so their sound is lower.”  The list is long and only sometimes do I have to google it. Did you know that camels will eat leather if there is no other food available? Leather! That I had to google.

But yesterday I was  laying with him, feeling my baby inside wiggle to their older brother’s voice talking about tigers and Chuck E. Cheese ” He’s not a real mouse, just a guy in a suit.”

Then Bam.

“Mommy  who is God?”

Immediately I ask him ” Who do you think God is?” but inside I am thinking , how the heck am I going to answer this when I don’t know.  I go to church, I sing, I pray and I teach Sunday School but I do not think there is a right , wrong or definitive answer to this question.

” I think god is a woman.”

“God is sorta like a mama, god created the world like I created you.” He’s three so I am putting things in his terms.

“No I think he’s a man.”

“Like an inventor who makes things!” We had just read a Berenstein Bears with an inventor in it. Trying to relate it to his world view.

“Maybe a Lady-Man” This just made me giggle. For weeks whenever my son sees a woman in a traditionally male job like construction, fire fighters and police officers, he calls them “lady mans” . This horrifies me and my very egalitarian beliefs.

The thought of god as a “Lady Man” sorta fits though. If you look at it through my son’s eyes. It’s a woman who is in a traditionally male dominated field. God is traditionally seen as a man, yet in many churches, ours included God is gender neutral and it’s up to us to decide how we conceive the image of the creator.

He dropped his question for now but opened my mind and heart to deciding exactly what I believe, or even if I have to decide.

It’s still easier when I can google it.

When this post was written about bloggers listing accomplishments and tooting their own horns I was not inclined to add to it. Horn tooting does not come naturally to me. When I am given a compliment my first reaction is to make some self deprecating comment to minimize the compliment and make people laugh. Learning simply to say “Thank You” has taken much coaching by my ever patient husband.

I am proud of myself for many things accomplished in 2009 and I am glad that this isn’t on camera interview, I would be stumbling, blushing and to top it off I have a massive cold sore that makes me look really gorgeous. So without stalling more than I already have here is my list!

Hold on I need to think of something.

1. Can I be honest my biggest accomplishment in 2009 has nothing to do with blogging. Watching my son go from 2-3 and all the positive changes and developments in his life has been a joy, finding such joy in these moments and not rushing through them has been my greatest accomplishment. I know that he won’t always be the center of my world but I am not afraid of the fact that right now he is. I don’t feel as though I have lost who I am one bit being so focused on being a parent. I am not embarrassed to say that hearing him say ” You are the best mama ever!” and ” I love family dates!” are more important to me than getting paid to write ( see #3) or feeling credible in my chosen piece of the blogosphere ( see #4).  I take great pride in being a mom and trying my hardest at it every day is my biggest accomplishment this year.

2.My main blog No Time For Flash Cards started 2009 with a few devoted followers and with 11 months of blogging under my belt just over 250k pageviews.  In 2009 I gained a much larger following and finished the year with over a million pageviews.  So that was my numbers accomplishment.

3.  In May I started blogging for FamilyEducation.com as a parent blogger. It’s a paid gig and it feels great to contribute financially to my family. I had a hard time adjusting to not having a paycheck and these aliviates some of my irrational feelings about not doing “enough”. It also justifies shoe buying. Other writing jobs for IttyBitty Bookworm, Parentella and Everything Mom have followed and fill me with the same pride - and closet with more shoes!

4.  This isn’t a single event , rather a series of people on twitter, emails from readers and links on other blogs/ sites. In the past year I have felt very noticed by those I want to notice me. No not the hotty garbage man, yes I swear I have a hot garbage man. Rather early childhood professionals, CEOs of companies like 360Kids, authors and bloggers that I respect . Having them show approval and joy for what I do has given me that boost that what I am doing is on track.  I crave approval from authority figures ( seriously it’s really something I should probably get medicated for) and feel wonderful for the nods I have gotten in 2009.

5. This should really be tied for #1 or at least be #1 b… the emails I got from readers in 2009 have been amazing. From a reader who made a craft daily with her daughter to send to her husband stationed in Iraq with photos of him with them plastered up proudly, to a mom who’s son’s speech therapy was aided by my silly song videos and countless thank yous from moms who didn’t know how to fill long days alone with their kids.  I started NTFFC with the hope to help other moms, that’s it so these emails keep me going, knowing that I am accomplishing what I set out to do.

So while i won a few awesome awards this year , created a sizable social media pressence and sat on some wonderful online panels, my accomplishments come down to my ability to do the things I love the most. Mother best I can and be a trusted  resource for as many families and children as possible.

Wait wait- one last one. I learnt how to properly spell definitely.  I always thought there was an a, no more red squiggle for that word!

2009 was toot worthy indeed!

My name is Allison and I am completely addicted to Bejewled 2 on Facebook.

It’s bad.

I sneak off to my room , ipod touch in hand , sink into my soft bed I rarely sleep in these days ( sick kid) and play a few 60 second games before jumping back into real life.

I blame my mother in law ( we can’t blame our own mothers for everything).  She’s pretty good and on facebook you play against eachother. When she beat me I couldn’t ignore it. I had to pass her . New years day when my son and husband were busily taking down the tree , I was taking down my mother in law one little gem and a time .

Trust me I know it’s pathetic.

I was elated when I beat her , I have a problem.

That is what my son asked me today as I broke down while he was trying to climb on me.

“Just stop!” I said, not loud but just with the right tone he took a breath, then I cried. I wasn’t crying because I was worried he was scared, I was crying because I was so frustrated that I am still nauseaus and exhausted and after two days of feeling great I thought I was in the clear.

How do I explain that to a 3 year old?

” I will give you hugs” and he strangles me which makes me more frustrated but warms my heart as well.

” I am so sorry bug” I say tears still streaming ” Mama just doesn’t feel good, I need Daddy to come home, I need to lay down.”

It’s 5:40 more than an hour still ahead before my husband will walk through the door. It feels like I will break again before he does, I ignore the clock.

“Come build a city with me mommy.”

” We can watch Max and Ruby” <— yes I suggested a show I really really hate hoping he’d want to watch and I would be able to lay down next to him.

“No let’s play.”

I cry some more. I can’t help it . I am so sick of feeling sick and I am exhausted. I need back up.

He starts getting close to tears. “What can I do?” he says on the verge.

My eyes dry, I get down on the floor and we build cities.

“Pass me that block bug”

I feel like crap but seeing him cry tells me he needs me more than I need to let it all out.