It’s been 72 hours since the last time my daughter nursed.
I’m coping; not all that well, at times, but surprisingly well at others. I’ve sobbed and buried my face against her hair, begging her, “Just try to nurse, just one more time”… but I’ve also laughed and watched her drink from a bottle, telling her, “You’re such an amazing big girl, I can’t believe you’re growing up so fast!”
My husband is being amazing through all of this. We’ve had a lot… A LOT… of issues with our marriage since the baby arrived, like I think most couples do, and I’m coming to realize that as often as I’ve blamed him for it… a lot of it was probably me refusing to let him help as much as he would have liked. If I could go back to the me of seven months ago, cradling her newborn, I’d say “Let Chris help you! You REALLY do not have to do it all alone!“ I wanted to spend time with my daughter so desperately that I repeatedly told him no, I don’t need you to help, no, I don’t want you to take her, no, I’ll hold her, I’ll feed her, I’ll change her…
I just wish I could remember the last time she nursed, in detail, that I had watched her and drank her in with my eyes, rather than (most likely) reading, as I usually do. I wish I had more pictures of her nursing — I have only one.
Sometimes it strikes me how there is absolutely no way to be prepared for motherhood. Every day is different, and every week presents a new challenge. Last week, serious separation anxiety. This week, nursing strike and mastitis. Next week… walking?
ACK.
Tags: breastfeeding, family, mastitis, nursing
You’ve nailed it. You can read all the books, get advice from Drs, friends and family, but nothing will every prepare you for your own own motherhood journey. And it will be a whole different experience with each additional child you add to your family (which I discovered to my dismay with both #2 and #3).
I remember when my kids decided they had had enough of nursing. It’s hard to deal with. I felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough. But ultimately you have to follow your daughter’s cues. And things like teething and learning to walk and changing a nap routine and being sick can all play havoc on nursing too. Try to have patience with yourself and M. From what I’ve read, you’re doing a great job. Try not to stress and enjoy the new discoveries.