just me » and another thought

Most people think being an introvert is a personal trait, something that affects who you are as an individual. That is true, sort of. I have always felt comfortable with my introvert state, even if it is the opposite of my husband. I enjoy working on my own. I love the quiet when everyone else is out. I would be content to not have to interact with my neighbours, shop keepers or people on the street. People may think I’m crazy, but that’s how I feel. I’ve never thought too much about it except for recently.

Although a life of solitude wouldn’t bother me too much, living and working in the city has forced me to interact with others. I can’t avoid my neighbours when Im taking the recycling out. I can’t avoid the shop keepers when I go to the grocery store. But like most introverts, I do the bare minimum of connecting, waving, smiling, nodding my head in conversation, and then I make a polite exit. But having kids adds a whole new dimension to being an introvert and it has affected my parenting.

Most parenting tasks I take care of like any loving mother. I mind what they eat and what they watch or play. I ensure they have clothes to wear, books to read, toys to enjoy. I handle their regular visits to get their haircut, visit the dentist, doctor and so forth. I help them with their homework, attend their presentations, encourage their dreams. All things any mom would do. These are all easy, or as easy as getting a 4 year old to dress appropriately in winter or a 9 year old to practice her reading. These are all tasks done in the home or done with just the family. Where I think I have failed, where my introvert nature has come in, is on the social side of my kids upbringing.

I handIe all school activities since I work from home. It’s one reason why I started working from home, to be there for my kids beyond just bedtime and morning hellos. I love our walks to and from school; that’s usually when our best conversations happen. But I’m not one of those parents who looks to the school as an extension of my social life. I don’t gather in groups with moms and dads to talk about the weather or the weekend while we wait for our kids to exit. I’m quite content to stand alone, waiting, in piece (or as peaceful as a school yard can be).

But I’m starting to think my lack of social interaction in the school yard is impacting my kids. After school I want to get the kids home, to homework and dinner and whatever else is on our plate. I don’t want to stay and chat, which means the kids don’t get those leisurely, goofy chats after school. It also means I have no interest in striking up a conversation with other parents to make playdate plans. Just the thought of it stresses me out. I’m comfortable with doing things with me and my family, I don’t want to take on entertaining and making small talk with someone else.

And thus my parent fail.

I do try. I don’t ignore parents and kids after school, though my conversations will be very short. Thank goodness my husband does party duty or the thought of attending those gatherings would wreak havoc on my nervous system.

You may be rolling your eyes at this whole thing. I mean we’re talking playdates and social gatherings not presentations on national TV. But before you judge me too harshly, imagine if every playdate arrangement had to go through a committee meeting where you had to present your case in front of a panel. And on that playdate, a group of judges would be behind a two-way mirror making notes to report back to said committee. How would your stomach feel? That’s the spot an introvert is in. Not that I think that’s what’s going on, but the feeling the whole social scene exudes makes my insides twist and turn just like in that aformentioned scenario.

If there’s anything good that can come out of this it’s understanding that sometimes you do have limitations. As parents we’re always encouraging our kids to do it all, be it all. We only want the best for them and we want to make sure that they give something a try before discounting it. I do the same thing. But there’s a difference between encouraging and pushing. And sometimes kds will do things because they know we expect them too but it’s usually obvious that they’re not enjoying it. Perhaps being an introvert gives me a different perspective on observing the world around me and understanding limitations, even if my kids don’t see it that way.

I guess in the meantime, until my kids understand, I will be apologizing to them many times about my short comings and my subsequent bad parenting due to my introvert nature. Now who’s up for some quiet reading?