They're all valid. I've also seen a huge amount of parents resolving to do better in their parenting this year: to be more present, active, and supportive. To listen more and lecture or yell, less. And to simply take time out from the business of daily must-dos, to get in more why-not-dos. Underneath all of these parents' (and my own, related) resolutions, I see a theme: we want to make our children feel special, loved, well cared for and about, and we, as parents, want to shape and empower our kids to be people who not only thrive in the world, but also help others to. We want them to be creative and to be empathetic, to give and be thankful for what they receive. We want them to be the change, yes?
To aide this, we have to cut back on our own judgements, comparisons, and reactivity, and practice our own creativity and empathy - during the toughest times to do so. We change our language and by doing so, earn our children's trust that we believe in them intrinsically. We say:
- "Of course I think it's beautiful - it's your art."
Regardless of whether your toddler is scribbling in circles, or if you can't come close to identifying a single object on the paper, and even if the poem doesn't rhyme and it's frankly a little silly, what with all of the poop jokes, this is something your child has created, and by doing so, has made something no one has ever done before. It's unique and even if it looks like every other sheet in the 240-page notebook, it's your child's Art. Asking them to do it differently, or define it into specific terms by saying "What is it?" can be sullying, and even infuse them with the message that their creativity isn't good enough. Creation, period, is fabulous, don't you think? - "It seems like you're frustrated."
It doesn't matter if you're one or five years old, or tween-era, or 42, sometimes all we want is for our feelings to be acknowledged without judgement. The next time that a tantrum is afoot, consider taking deep breaths and acknowledging, without trying to fix, your child's emotions. In my experience, it leads to a quicker, more peaceful solution to the problem, and hey, it actually encourages your child to talk with you, instead of react at you. And vice versa. - "I have to do X right now, but what if you and I have time just to ourselves to do this, at Y o'clock?"
Feeling pestered with "mommy, mommy, mommy mooommmmmy MOOOMMMMMY!", while pressured to get things accomplished is every parent's reality at some point. The easiest resolution is to drop what you're doing and cater to the Mommy-call, but that doesn't always work. And honestly, going forward, do we want to instil the message that nothing - including employment, laundry, meals or a long-dreamed-of shower - is more important than seeing whether he can spin in a circle five times in a row, or four? Sometimes, other things have to come first. Making a promise of a specific later and following through with it, even if I'm not done whatever X was, has been the requisite peace treaty for my work-at-home success.
Bonus: "You don't have to be the best/first/perfect/get straight As." Want to teach your kid something important? Tell them that the measure of their success isn't about standing up against the other kids they know and beating them, it's about the happiness and confidence they gain while they're participating. Note: I'm not condoning doing away with homework, and I'm not suggesting that marks or trophies are unimportant. I'm saying that being The Best should not be your child's only focus, if it is their focus at all - enjoyment and finding a way to get the most out of it that they can should be.
What do you say and do at home to help your child to feel more empowered and important? We're all learning as we go, right? I would love to hear your ideas.
