The latest from our Heart and Soul
Love is the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. In philosophical context, love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion,and affection. Love may also be described as actions towards others (or oneself) based on compassion. 
Or as actions towards others based on affection.
This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states. (source: Wikipedia LOVE)
Love comes with so many faces and as a photographer I've seen a few, like the family I photographed earlier this month. Pure love. You can see it every time they look at each other; their smiles get bigger and their eyes brighter. Karina and Mireille are a lesbian couple who have been together for eight years and married for five and a half.
I had the chance to meet and photograph Karina and Mireille recently in the Ottawa area, where they live with their two children - Eliane, 4 and Karl, 19 months. Karina and Mireille each carried and delivered one of their children and their children are aware who birthed who. Eliane and Karl’s dad is also very much in the picture. He visits often and special holidays and occasions are shared with him and his family. This really is an incredible family that just makes it work.
Just like all families Mireille and Karina make decisions together and they weigh how those decisions will effect their family as a whole. Although they do a lot of the same things “traditional” families do, one thing that is different is how they show signs of affection. When Karina and Mireille are out in public they don’t hold hands, they don’t kiss. They seem very adamant about being respectful of the people around them. This made me really think because I am a touchy-feely kind of person, always holding my husband's hand and giving him little kisses. I can't imagine not doing that when we are out. I also never realized until now that when I’m not with my husband and someone asks about my status, they always say husband never partner.
When talking about gay families, Mireille and Karina had this to say:
"Studies have shown the kids from gay families are the same as any other child. People tend to say there is a non-existent father figure and that is just not true - there are plenty of male role models in these kids' lives. Whether you’re gay or straight, all families deal with the same obstacles."
I tend to agree, especially when they said this:
“The most important thing is that the kids are loved.”
Most people are aware that the image of a rainbow is used to symbolize gay pride. Mireille said, and I loved this, “all colours are love and the rainbow represents everyone and everyone is different”.
Spending time with this awesome family has confirmed for me that there needs to be more support in our community for gay families. There seems to be an extra step of difficulty when you are a gay family. Anyone who says that gay families aren’t really families hasn’t taken the time or effort to get to know them. Mireille and Karina's family is pure love and in my books that’s what makes a family!
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Living in a small town outside of Ottawa, with her husband of 16 years, 2 kids and 2 little dogs (cuz the kids just weren't enough of a challenge), most weeks you can find her driving aimlessly up and down the 401. Cherie-Lynn always says that she lives in Ottawa but she works everywhere. She believes in living each day to the fullest and laughing a lot along the way. |
Fighting. We all do it in relationships. As a matter of fact, I'm of the opinion that if you never fight, it's actually an indicator that there's something off-balance. No one agrees on every single thing, after all, and a lack of disagreements - especially about the big stuff - can indicate that you or your spouse might be confrontationally-avoiding, passive and/or not really participating fully in the relationship.
So, how do we fight, get our issues heard and processed, listen to the other person's, and avoid those chilling silent periods (or screaming matches) than can often come about? Rules. Commandments, if you will. All equally-important, they are:
Thou shall respect the other person's right to a different opinion
Everyone's experience and perception is different. This is how we come to have differing ideals, philosophies and habits. For instance, if your spouse's childhood was quite attachment-based and yours was not, it's probably a given that they would assume your children need close, intimate attention and you may think they need more room to breathe. Even if you don't agree, it doesn't always (or often) mean that the other person is wrong.
Thou shall treat the other in any manner of which ye would like to be treated
The Golden Rule. You teach it to your kids, and you likely grew up hearing about it, too. Treat others the way you want to be treated - yes, even in an argument - because it both sets and example, and it can rub off, unconsciously.
Thou shall not argue in circles
You've been arguing for some time, now, and you keep coming back to the same issue(s). If you can't find a solution, or you find yourself party to a fight that's simply for the sake of fighting, call it out and decide whether you're going to continue.
Thou shall not raise thy voice above a level thy children would accept
If your children would be stressed out and concerned for the safety of their parents' relationship, you're going too strong. Yes, you don't want to argue in front of them for the most part - especially if it's something about them - but you want to use this measure to keep your temper in check. Only the marriage-breakers ever really seem to merit outright screaming. And even then... is it worth it?
Thou shall make up
Yes, always. Don't sweep things away; find closure. Not necessarily in the middle of a fight - though that can often help move things along during a roadblock and remind you of how much you do like this person you're warring with. And you know what they say about make-up sex, right?
Thou shall remove thyself from the physical
First off, an argument should never escalate into physical abuse or the threat of it. If it does, walk away. If the fight's not getting anything resolved and you can't foresee it doing so, walk away. Remove yourself from the environment, period, if nothing good will come from being in it.
Thou shall remove thyself from the metaphorical
Ask yourself, if your spouse was stating this reasoning and you weren't involved - say, they were speaking about your mother-in-law (the one who always insults your cooking) - would you react this same way? Try mentally putting yourself in your spouse's place, and remove yourself from the situation. It makes it easier to empathize, and even listen to things you'd otherwise miss out on while you focus on your own arguments.
Thou shall not interrupt
You're talking to your children about something they did that you didn't appreciate, or you're discussing something important with a co-worker about company policies, and the other person interrupts you. How does it effect you? You feel insulted, disrespected, unimportant, like you need to repeat yourself and attacked, even. So do other people when you interrupt them. Plus, as we teach our kids: it's just plain rude to interrupt when someone is speaking.
Thou shall reiterate
To feel heard, it often helps us if the other person repeats back what we're laying out. Obviously, quoting directly can not go very well in a tense environment - it can make the other person feel belittled and patronized - but a simple sentence like, "I think I understand that you're feeling ..." can make a world of different in how they, in turn, listen to your messages.
Thou shall not use enduring language
'Always', 'never', 'completely' and 'hate' are words that breathe toxicity. They also make people feel as if they have no merit to you. Think about it: if your spouse told you that they hated that you never want to make love, how would it effect you? You'd likely feel pressured, and as if the times that you have made love were of little importance. You might even translate that sentence into your spouse hating you, or some other self-esteem degrading thought.
What else do you do, to keep the arguments civil and productive, and what mistakes do you often find yourself making? My frequent crime has been not keeping my temper in check and just walking away when the fight escalated too far.
Becoming a married single mom is not what I envisioned when I decided to leave my job and stay home to raise our son. As I write this article, I haven’t seen my husband more than five hours in the last three days. Our son hasn’t seen him at all. This is the life of the married single mom.
The decision for me to become a stay at home mom was an easy one. Although I had a good job, I earned only half of what my husband earned, and we both worked very far from home. 
My husband’s job also offers him plenty of overtime. That has become both our savior and our burden. My husband working a lot of overtime is what ensures that we will be able to pay our bills on just one salary. It also ensures that I will be home taking care of our son by myself most of the time. This leads to plenty of stress, occasional arguments and sometimes maybe even a little resentment. Neither of us can truly know what it’s like to be in each other’s shoes. I can never know that it’s like to go to work 6 or 7 days a week, sometimes 20 hours at a stretch, leaving my family behind at home. Similarly, he can never know what it’s like to be home by himself all the time, taking care of a defiant toddler, cleaning and cooking, and never getting a break from it all.
My husband and I have always had a great relationship. I remember the days before we had a child, we would go on leisurely picnics, go out to fancy dinners, or just stay in and watch a movie. When he would come home from work, I would greet him at the door with a big kiss. That is a far cry from our lives today. Nowadays as my husband walks in the door, there is no welcome home smooch. Instead, it’s a scene of chaos, with our son running around screaming, and toys strewn all over the living room. I am usually slumped on the couch, looking tired and defeated. I then bombard my husband with the laundry list of things that our son has done over the course of the day to drive me crazy. It is at this point that I am really glad to see him, not because I missed him, but because I can’t wait to hand over our son to him as soon as he walks in the door.
To stop arguments about who does what and who works harder, I have to take a minute and try to think like my husband. Instead of getting upset that he’s surfing the net instead of jumping in to help me make dinner or take care of our son, I try to remember what it’s like to go to work all day. I know he works hard all day at a job he doesn’t particularly like, and then has a long commute and he wants to relax a little when he gets home. But at the same time, I feel like when my husband gets home, his day at work is over, but mine still continues. To keep the arguments at bay, it has to work both ways. My husband also has to think about what it’s like to be me, home with our son all day. If we both try to consider each other’s situation before we get upset, things tend to go much more smoothly. As always in relationships, it’s all about consideration and compromise.
When I first left my job a couple years ago, there was a lot that I had not thought about.
I had not really considered how much busier I'd be day-to-day. 
I was used to stressful working conditions, tight deadlines, and a growing list of requests. But nothing could really prepare me for what it would be like to be home with two small kids.
The other thing I was not really ready for was a role-reversal in my home. I knew it was coming, I just did not know what it would be like.
I have never had a lot of interest in upholding conventional ways of living just because that is the way it had been done before. My family operates in a different way than families did on my grandparent's era. To me that is a good thing because things evolve. Roles have changed, especially for dads these days.
I like to think that I've always been able to rise above the dad stereotype and make my own path, yet I know that is not the entire truth. I knew that the right decision was for me to leave my job a full four months before I actually gave my notice.
Once I was home with the kids and starting to catch my stride, that four months of work in an office, hauling the kids to daycare, was a period I very much regretted.
The truth for me was that the reason I waited four months was because I was worried about what people would say or think about a dad being home. I did not really know what it would be like to be the primary caregiver day-to-day for my kids.
I was also worried about what my wife's feelings about what her role would be and how it would change. Would she feel displaced by me being home and starting to fill more of that traditional role?
The answer to that is yes, I'm sure she did feel displaced. And I felt awkward doing the displacing.
When my kids would run to me after they scraped their knee, I wanted to comfort my wife too.
Between my wife and I, it did take a while to sort out and eventually we were in a new routine. Any uncertainty that I felt initially about our roles was replaced by happiness that one of us was home all of the time with the kids.
That was the hard part. The easy part was brushing off looks from people when I would do something that they might not see a dad usually do. I took a lot of pride in what I was doing. I simply did not care what other people thought.
If you let yourself make your own path, it is a freedom that is hard to imagine. For me taking the the plunge into a role-reversal was well worth it.
This year has been hectic and now it's summer. You are looking forward the fun that you'll be having with the kids, except that half the time they will be gone with Dad. As a divorced mom you're feeling a ton of things now. 
There is the fear; you don't know if they are going to be okay or if they will be happy. Will they adjust? Will you? Will they miss you? What happens if they don't... Let's assume that Dad is a good parent. If you don't, nothing can be said that will change that. You're going to have a month of holding your cell phone near your heart, wishing for a call hearing that they are okay; dreading the call that says they're not. In either situation, you can use a lot of the same tactics to get through the summer and even enjoy it as a divorced mom.
Make Plans
Whether you have additional family at home, or old friends to catch up with, now is not the time to sit home and ponder. Make time for other people you love. Remind yourself that they too are vital to your life. Don't forget to do some things that you really want to do that you can't with the little ones around. How about a little romance? Go shopping for a wardrobe. Take a cruise or class. Whatever it is, make it something that you want to do. You may be happy about the respite. It's okay to put up your feet and read a good book or watch a bunch of your favorite movies. As long as it's something that gets your mind away from what's missing and onto what's available, it's a great plan. Taking time for you will help you feel refreshed and help prepare you for when those little ones get home.
Take Action
After your head is in the right direction, take some time to catch up on the things you haven't been able to accomplish with the babies around. Do you need to upgrade you education for work? Do it now. Forget to get the taxes together? Your accountant is probably looking for something to do and will be happy to help. Get that spring cleaning done. You'll never find a better time to clean out the kid's closets and toy boxes. Focus on off season clothing and toys that are on the bottom of the box. As long as you don't take the stuff they use regularly or are particularly meaningful the kids probably won't even know and will just notice how nice their space is and how great it is to be home.
The Homecoming
Your kiddos are going to come back and the first day can be the best time of the entire summer. However, after the novelty of reunion wears thin, re-adjustment can be tough. They have to start remembering your rules and you have to figure out what happened to your quiet time. Remember to immediately take time as a family to go over expectations as well as your plans for the rest of their break. Leave a little room in the schedule so your children are able to do some of the things that they look forward to like visiting friends or going swimming. Since you've had a nice respite, you'll be able to make it happen and life will soon be normal again.
